Sky's Magical Mystery Tour

Apologies

2004-11-29T09:21:00.000+11:00

I've been really sick.

Normal service will resume shortly.

EDIT: Actually, I might just become a full-time Lizzer again.

Clap, clap, clap, clap your hands now!

2004-11-22T09:31:00.000+11:00

We simply HAVE to start Extreme Take That Appreciation Mania by taking a look at their greatest song/performance/triumph ever, "Clap Your Hands", live at Wembley.

It's their very own breakdance and rap masterpiece, and is unsurpassed by any as the greatest 4 minutes in boyband history.

It starts, as so many things do, with a breakdancing display. Mark and Jason delight and stun the crowd with their breakin' abilities for a good full minute while some 'hip hop' music plays on.

Then, the lights come on, the dancing stops and - Gary arrives!

He's helpfully detailed his name on his chest with red sequins. He's also taken the casual approach with 'Gaz', which I enjoy. Those glasses he is 'sporting' immediately alert our suspicions - are we in for some Elton John style piano play?

Yes! Our suspicions are confirmed when Gaz takes to the keys. At this stage it's obvious that with those glasses combined with the Sergeant Peppers style jacket, that Gary thinks he is literally Elton John meets John Lennon.

Meanwhile, Mark and Jason continue to up the drama with some more breakdancing. But wait - who's this!?

It's Howard Donald with a bed sheet attached to his head of course! Howard and his nipple ring deliver us a remarkable display of beat boxing and shouts of 'pump it, pump it!'

Then, finally, Robbie enters the stage - gigantic hat, cane, bling and pimp outfit in tow. He then launches into a Marky Mark-equese rap, during which he asks the ladies why is he so funky. Apparently it's because he's a beat boy junkie. I think. It's really quite hard to make out. The best bit is when he knocks Gary Barlow down with his cane, demonstrating that it is not just a prop but a weapon.

It is all SO EXCELLENT. Really, the most perfect way to kick off Take That week (though, admittedly, it's probably all down hill from here).

Come on, come on, come on, Take That! And Party!

2004-11-22T09:27:00.000+11:00

EXTREME TAKE THAT APPRECIATION MANIA has arrived! Welcome!

The Facts:

Take That are the second best boyband ever (behind 5ive)

They are so because they combined touching ballads and breakdancing, to a degree not matched before nor since

Their back catalogue is full of so much great, and also awful, music, that it all needs re-reviewing and examining

The fun starts right now!

Low Level Scott Cain Appreciation of a Sensible Degree

2004-11-16T19:29:00.000+11:00

Top 6 Reasons Scott Cain Rules:

1. He covered an Oasis song
2. He sings songs (well, not plural - YET) about Hilary Duff
3. He taught us that Crazy People Rock
4. He called his debut album 'Controlled Folly'
5. He inspired one of the most hilarious Cameron Adams comments ever
6. He sung a Coldplay song at his original audition

Britney & Liz-O-Vations

2004-11-16T19:21:00.000+11:00

Ok, I'm obsessed with Britney Spears to the point of sickness at the moment. It's now hit 6 days straight of listening to nothing but her music. (I should be doing The Britney Life or something, really). And I don't think I'll be stopping any time soon.

It's kind of sad though...Listening to her old music and remembering that she was the best popstar ever, and then remembering what she's like NOW. I'm keeping the faith that she will be back though.

Anyway, a proper Liz-O-Vation is in store over the next few days! Yay! And it will most probably have a Britney theme. I don't really know what she has to do with Sky Mangel or the Beatles though...then again, they don't have much to do with each other either.

Karl Mechanics

2004-11-16T19:03:00.000+11:00

From tonight's Neighbours, care of Dr Kennedy:

'Life's like a journey. You hit a pot hole, you put your foot down and you move ahead'

I think they've recycled a script from this time last year and crossed out Stu's name, don't you?

CONTROLLED FOLLY

2004-11-15T13:59:00.000+11:00

(I had to scan my own copy of the Popstars 3 CD because I couldn't find any online. Yes I do own it and yes I do still give it the odd spin, thanks)

Anyway, forget last night's Australian Idol - yesterday it was all about Popstars 3 if you REALLY wanted to get to know your Idol finalists.

If, like me, you were sad enough to:

a) Tape every episode of Popstars 3
b) Keep them for almost 3 years
&
c) Spend all of Sunday afternoon re-watching them

then you would have also witnessed the following:

Anthony Callea's audition! If you are anything like me this would have caused you shriek in a mixture of horror/joy/excitement, and to rewind the tape back 5 times to watch the footage again.
Fact! Anthony used to enjoy the odd blonde highlight in his hair

Gabriel Cabrera! This was hilarious for so many reasons. 1, I remember this audition very well. Gabs quit his hairdressing job to try out for Popstars, then delivered a most horrifying audition piece. That's funny enough just on it's own, but it's double as high-larious when you also think about how well he did in Australian Idol (IE - NOT VERY).

Most importantly though, even though he was feeling a bit sick, he recovered at the last moment to sing in time. The show ALWAYS goes on with Gabriel!

A possible shot of Ricki-Lee! I'm not 100% sure it was her...I did pause the tape to have a closer look, but it still wasn't clear. I remember reading she tried out for Popstars, but I think she might have been too young for this series. Nevertheless, those few seconds she was on screen were the best moments of the entire show. She really showed the other contestants how it was done.

Now, let's talk about Scott Cain for a moment.

Do you know what, I KNEW there was a reason I'd liked him at the time. For one of his live performances he sung Don't Look Back In Anger! This automatically makes him better than every single other popstar/idol contestant, because no one else has ever done an Oasis song. Thinking about it actually, I'm surprised Marty never did...he could have literally gone to town with Live Forever.

Also, before it even GOT to the Oasis performance, I'd realised Scott was pretty bonza. I guess that's why ~~I voted~~ other people voted for him to win.

So many questions, why am I so real?

2004-11-15T13:55:00.000+11:00

I've had Britney's Greatest Hits for almost a week now (I think the store put it out way early), so that is plenty of time to form the opinion that it is amazing. I didn't actually mean to get it, but then I saw it and it looked so sparkly, and it had a bonus disc, so I had to.

The cover looks shit on screen, but in fact it is not 'bogey green' but instead is metallic silver, which is reason enough alone to get it. Another amazing fact is that, on the back it SAYS that is has the 'darkchild remix' of Overprotected, but it's not! It's the original! I don't know how or why, but it is.

I really love (I've Just Begun) Having My Fun as well. So I think it's worthwhile to buy even if (like me) you have all her albums. It's the ONLY cd I've had in my player for the past 5 days straight. It really is pop perfection.

HiT and Chik reviews

2004-11-11T13:02:00.000+11:00

Cameron called Pete Murray Peter! And he put Band Aid III in the 'Hot' column! Cameron has been working very hard the past couple of weeks to claim back his position as my personal Jesus, and he's finally succeeded.

ALSO - He said the new Eminem album is SHIT. So I'm not getting it anymore. I love Eminem, and I have all his stuff, AND I had put aside $20 in a special 'Eminem Fund' for next Monday, but now that's all changed. I'll just get Gwen Stefani's album instead.

Cam also gave 'What You Waiting For' the full five dogs.

CHIK MAGAZINE:

The love affair is over. I got it today right, and it had gone up in price $3. This caused me to swear at the girl at the cash register. I think it's more expensive because it comes with a DVD. But then again, it says it's a 'free' gift. So I don't know if it's gone up in price, or they are overcharging for a shit dvd. Either way, it is crap.

Also, none of the articles were very good, and there was nothing overly amusing in it.

HOWEVER - On the DVD there is behind-the-scenes Neighbours footage. So I will watch it later and report back, with my mind possibly changed.

GO CASSY (This time for real)

2004-11-10T14:41:00.000+11:00

I've made my decision - Cassy HAS to win.

I'll be 'baking' a cake later on today in support.

Amendment

2004-11-10T14:20:00.000+11:00

It's pretty rare I like an album more as time goes by. Normally they lose dogs by the day. But Mistaken Identity is being upgraded to:

(That's a full dog!)

Delta can do no wrong in my books at the moment. She is kicking so many goals...I'm probably putting all my eggs into one basket, but there you go.

The question is - Can she beat Keane for 'Best Album Of 2004'? I know, they're both so controversial and extreme, it's going to be hard to pick a winner. I THINK 'Out Of The Blue' will beat 'Somewhere Only We Know' for single of 2004 though.

TOP 5 DELTA GOODREM SONGS:

1. Lost Without You
2. Out Of The Blue
3. Not Me, Not I (Aka 'The Stu Song')
4. Almost Here
5. A Little Too Late

GO CASEY! (Sort Of)

2004-11-09T16:12:00.000+11:00

I am LITERALLY in two minds as to whether or not start Extreme CASEY MUST WIN AUSTRALIAN IDOL Mania.

On the one hand:

She is pretty awesome

She is a million times better than Anthony

It would be such a sweet victory if she beat that tiny little robot

On the OTHERHAND:

She is pretty awesome. - I don't want her to have to release a winner's single and album, which always suck SO BADLY

She claims Kurt Cobain is her hero

No, while the last point is by no means a GOOD thing, it's not really why I want her to lose. In a way I want Anthony to win because he will get all the shitty songs and Casey might get decent ones. BUT - I also really want her to BEAT him.

I'm too conflicted at the moment.

GET THE FIVE DOGS READY

2004-11-08T19:45:00.000+11:00

If you buy one cd in your LIFE, make sure you get Super Furry Animals - Songbook. For me, they sound just like Blur, if Blur sounded more like the Beatles. IE - too bonza for this universe. Their greatest hits is the most brilliant thing ever.

I'm also very excited about the 25th anniversary edition of The Clash - London Calling, but mostly for the packaging. It is fab...3 discs, album, bonus tracks, DVD, videos, booklet. VERY awesome.

I LOVE DELTA

2004-11-07T13:55:00.000+11:00

Lyn Mechanics

2004-11-06T16:04:00.000+11:00

My GOD, it just keeps getting better and better!

It's a different theme each night, it seems! Last night's Lyn Mechanics quote was:

'It's OK to put all of your eggs
in one basket. As long as some of
them are BUSINESS eggs, and some of
them are EMOTIONAL eggs'

That is just brilliant. It makes all the sense of Life Mechanics, ie, none.

And football last night, eggs tonight - What next?! I think it's inevitable that a road that leads to success will eventually be mentioned at this rate.

Delta's Album!

2004-11-06T14:41:00.000+11:00

Eeeeeeeeee!!!!

I listened to it with Cameron's track-by-track review next to me so that I could be informed and enlightened. By pure coincidence, our opinions are quite similar. I'll go through the album track-by-track as well, giving both mine and Cameron's views.

1. Out Of The Blue:
Cameron Says: This version ups the drama with a Beatlesque crescendo
Crystal Says: I agree

2. The Analyst:
Cameron Says: This is brilliant
Crystal Says: I'll second that

3. Mistaken Identity:
Cameron Says: Her ultra personal pop-masterpiece. Think Tori Amos doing the soundtrack to Moulin Rogue.
Crystal Says: Couldn't have put it any better myself

4. Extraordinary Day:
Cameron Says: Peer into Delta's diary as she relives the day she was diagnosed with cancer. Suitably dark and intense
Crystal: Yes, it is.

5. A Little Too Late:
Cameron Says: Clever, late ABBA-esque pop song...Intoxicating
Crystal Says: THIS SONG IS BRILLIANT. In fact...in a Mark Holden style...it's the:

BEST SONG EVER!!!!

6. Be Strong:
Cameron Says: Poignant, positive ballad
Crystal Says: Yeah, it's a ballad. It's quite good

7. Electric Storm:
Cameron Says: A moody pop song you wouldn't expect from Delta
Crystal Says: Ditto

8. Almost Here:
Cameron Says: The duet with Brian McFadden...a big melancholic power ballad
Crystal Says: BEST SONG EVER (again)

9. Miscommunication:
Cameron Says: Hmmm
Crystal Says: Yeah, it's crap

10. Sanctuary:
Cameron Says: Another classy, string-soaked pop symphony
Crystal Says: That is correct

11. Last Night On Earth:
Cameron Says: Swings between subtle verses and a rather colossal chorus
Crystal Says: Yes it does

12. Fragile:
Cameron Says: Stark, tender ballad
Crystal Says: A bit average, really

13. Disoriented:
Cameron Says: Another dark-tinged document of her recovery
Crystal Says: Yeah. I'm getting slightly tired of it as well

14. You Are My Rock:
Cameron Says: A public thank you to brother Trent
Crystal: And it's very nice, actually.

Bonus Track - No One Listened
Cameron Says: No review
Crystal Says: Well I'm all up the creek with no canoe then

It's not the BEST ALBUM EVER, unfortunately. But it's pretty bonza. A Little Too Late really is the best song ever, and the Brian McFadden duet is suprisingly brilliant.

3.5 Dogs
(I can't be bothered to find dog icon)

What's Give Or Take One Year Anyway?

2004-11-06T10:33:00.000+11:00

Just FYI: I am joining in with the movement to have Liz Phair named as the Album Of 2004.

I also really really like her 'Exile In Guyville' album now, so I'm going to name that the second best album of 2004 (original release date 1993). What's give or take 11 years anyway? Who says modern music has to be depressing!

INTERNATIONAL DAY OF MOURNING

2004-11-05T16:40:00.000+11:00

I've dropped my copy of 'The Masterplan' and it is ruined. The song 'The Masterplan' is unlistenable.

I am devastated.

Nothing will be able to take the pain away, until I can afford a new copy.

In happier news, I have been enjoying a bit of Billie's 'Honey To The B' album:

RAGE

2004-11-05T15:47:00.000+11:00

Sum 41 Guest Program Rage:
The question being, will they pick Avril? Enjoy (or endure) their choices, Sat on ABC
- Cameron Adams, yesterday.

I have mixed feelings about the Sum 41 guest program. On the one hand:

- Renegades Of Funk - AFRIKA BAMBAATAA & THE SOUL SONIC FORCE

Excellent!

And there's also this brilliant section, all in a row:

Paint It Black - THE ROLLING STONES
Suffragette City - DAVID BOWIE
A Day In The Life - THE BEATLES
Don't Look Back In Anger - OASIS

That will be a bonza 15 minutes.

But on the OTHER hand:

Die, Die My Darling - METALLICA
Whiplash - METALLICA
Peace Sells ... But Who's Buying? - MEGADETH
Master Of Puppets - METALLICA
Holy Wars - MEGADETH

NO THANKS.

This Is A Paid Announcement

2004-11-04T22:38:00.000+11:00

Dear Oscar,

The Cooks is still shit. (And always will be)

Love Crystal

I need a HiT

2004-11-04T20:19:00.000+11:00

Seeing as I've already posted today's cover of HiT, here's a rather fetching picture of Cameron Adams instead:

HiT was so awesome today.

Cameron has totally made me want to get Delta's album now. He makes it sound like it's her very own Standing On The Shoulders Of Giants (ie, Excellent). There was also Cameron's most random and possibly most hilarious comment ever in the album chart section:

Green Day - American Idiot: The first concept album in the charts since Scott Cain's 'Controlled Folly'.

Ha. And also, ?? That was so nonsensical and random Cameron. You are so back in your position of Jesus now.

And within the first 2 pages of HiT today...there were the following things:

A mention of Double The Fist

The line 'Bono saves the world'
&

Complaining about this week's Rage guest programming

I don't want to suggest anything suspicious though. All coincidences, I'm sure.

How Surprising

2004-11-04T14:03:00.000+11:00

I haven't bought HiT today, but...

Apparently there's going to be a little bit of Delta Goodrem in it.

Can't wait for THAT.

Move Over Stu.. It's Lyn's turn now

2004-11-03T20:16:00.000+11:00

As Boys II Men would say, we have come to the end of the road (of success).
As The Beatles would say, it's a long and winding road (of success), that has led to this door.
And like Willie Nelson MIGHT say, the day may come when we just can't wait to get back on the road (of success) again.

But not right now.

Neighbours made one thing very clear tonight - STU IS FINISHED.

Now it's all about Lyn...

"Taking control of the steering wheel" is out, and "Kicking goals" is in. It's now time for us to get in front of the goal posts, keep our eyes on the ball, and win the match of life.

We are taking Lyn on board as our full time life advisor from now on as well. I don't know if she'll ever be as good as Stu, but we are going to give her the chance.

It's the end of an era, but the start of a new one.

Lyn Mechanics Update

2004-11-03T20:05:00.000+11:00

Lyn went for her first ~~Life Mechanics~~ er, "Life Coaching" class today.

It's totally Life Mechanics 2. It even shares the same basic principal that made LM great - metaphors.

With Life MECHANICS, it was about cars.
With Life COACHING, it is about coaching. Football, apparently.

Today Lyn was all about 'kicking goals' and 'moving the posts...to score more goals'. (I think)

Isn't it just the greatest thing ever?

Temporary Road Block

2004-11-02T10:46:00.000+11:00

On Magical Mystery Tours, there are often times when you hit a crossroads, have to take a wrong turn, reverse, stop, pull over and...ok, that's enough. This is just to say that while I'm writing my novel, I might not be updating here as much. I'll be updating HERE plenty, but the brakes are being put on this blog a bit.

Of course, I'll probably be back later today with 3 million posts about Neighbours and U2, but hey.

Moderate U2 Appreciation Mania

2004-10-31T23:48:00.000+11:00

So it's started already...I've acquired a U2 album. (Don't worry, I didn't pay for it). And I have to say, I like what I hear. ~~I also got JoJo's album~~.

It's all because of a bloody comedy theme week. These things mess with my heads. But, oh well...who says listening to U2 has to be depressing?

Let's Get Novelling!

2004-10-31T20:55:00.000+11:00

Three hours till National Novel Writing Month kicks off!!!!

I, thank Noel, have found inspiration at the last minute, and I am SO excited about the novel I am writing.

The outline is of course here

(Please forgive that I have not worded or explained it very clearly or entertainingly.)

TV...journalism...Blur VS Oasis...peace & love...one big giant in-joke.... yeah, it's all there.

'Marky Mark is saying Peace'

2004-10-31T14:19:00.000+11:00

If the Funky Bunch were the early 90s Beatles equivalents, then Marky Mark was the John Lennon of the crew.

Never was this more clearly demonstrated than with the release of his song 'Peace'.

And just like JL, Marky Mark imagined all the people, living for today...you may say he's a dreamer...

'I think it's time we define the peace sign,
the peace I find is a peace of mind!
I'll take a piece of your ass before I
turn the other cheek!
Marky Mark speaks peace!'

It was a vision of a utopian society that we will probably never achieve, sadly. Still, keep the faith...

George Michael's House Of Political Discussion: Re-Open For Business

2004-10-30T14:29:00.000+10:00

Patience was one of those albums released this year that I'd completely forgotten about. Actually, I hadn't even played it all the way through since I bought it back in March(?) and George Michael's House Of Political Discussion opened.

So anyway - I finally HAVE listened to it! And it's quite good. Especially the track 'Through'...which I really love now and wish I had discovered earlier.

It really does exemplify why George is the patron saint of political discussion though, as demonstrated by this line:

'All this cruelty and money instead of love,
People, have we no shame?'

I really enjoy the way George delivers the last part like he really is disappointed in us.

But what is George's MOST political song?

I've always, always stood by the opinion it is Wham Rap. (This point of view caused my first ever cross-blog fight incidentally).

But even if he ISN'T using being on the dole as a metaphor for being gay, as I stated at the time, it remains quite political.

I said, I - DON'T - NEED - YOU
So you don't approve,
Well who asked you to?
HEY - JERK - YOU - WORK
This boy's got better things to do

Word up, George.

And the best part of the song, the ever inspirational:

MAKE THE MOST OF EVERY DAY
DON'T LET HARD TIMES STAND IN YOUR WAY
GIVE A WHAM GIVE A BAM BUT DON'T GIVE A DAMN
COS THE BENEFIT GANG ARE GONNA PAY!

So reach up high, and touch your soul, because the boys from Wham will help you reach your goal!

Calling Out From Scatman's World

2004-10-30T13:59:00.000+10:00

With this sudden bout of Scatman John mania, you're probably asking the question - 'But what the hell does Scatman John have to do with peace, and saving the planet?'

Well...

You and me and sister ain't got nothin' to hide.
Scatman, fat man, black and white and brown man
Tell me 'bout the colour of your soul.
If part of your solution isn't ending the pollution
Then I don't want to hear your stories told.
I want to welcome you to Scatman's world

Actually, that's just given me an idea! - We are going to need a visit from Captain Planet very soon! Because if I'm not mistaken, part of his solution is definitely ending the pollution.

Meanwhile, I still don't know what to do with the Scatman John article I wrote...

This Is A Public Warning

2004-10-29T23:56:00.000+10:00

...why do I have the sinking feeling that I'm going to come out of this a U2 fan?

"I've Gotta Go Save Some Africans'! Part 2

2004-10-29T08:35:00.001+10:00

Seems we are having cross Liz/blog wars about the value of saving starving people in Africa though the aid of a good song.

Well, seeing as this is the Magical Mystery Tour of Celebrity Peace & Politics there's really only one place for us to visit next...yes, WE ARE GOING TO AFRICA!

Stu get the bus! It's time to get back on the road!

SKY'S MAGICAL MYSTERY TOUR - AFRICAN LEG

Tour Guides:

Damon 'I *heart* Africa' Albarn

Bob 'no snow in Africa' Geldof

Bono 'feed Africa' 'Paul' Hewson

On The Stereo:

Afrika Bambaattaa - "Peace, Unity, Love and Having Fun"

Toto - "Africa"

'I bless the rains down in Africa...
Gonna take some time to do the things we never had...'

Crystal: Ah, here we are in Africa...
Stu: You know...where specifically am I driving to...?
Crystal: Just somewhere where there are people in need, Stu
Stu: You know 'Africa' is a pretty big place right?
Crystal: It's alright...you know what road to take
Stu: Yeah yeah...the road to success.

Bono: Alright you two, listen up. It's time to feed some starving people!
Crystal: Hey Bono...I know of course, that we are IN Africa...but if we WEREN'T...how could I help you to feed starving Africans?
Bono: You could go here
Crystal: But why Africa? and why Me?
Bono: The answers are all there in the links

Stu: What the hell IS this? It's like a public bloody service announcement
Crystal: I think I've started to actually care
Stu: I think we better get back to Australia...there won't be snow in Ramsay St this christmas time either you know
Crystal: STU! Fair dinkum that was uncalled for. Anyway...I KNOW you're a bit of an Australian Bono yourself lately...shall we talk about that?
Stu: Better save it for another post

Crystal: Yeah alright. See ya Africa! It's been fun!
Damon: I'm going to stay behind I think
Stu: Good riddance then! Good bye!

Dishpig Conversational Exchange Of The Evening

2004-10-29T08:14:00.000+10:00

Ruth: Fuck off shit bag
Dishpig: Hey! That's 'Dish Pig!'

Yeah, it is marginally better. I probably wouldn't have bothered correcting her though myself.

The Cooks is TERRIBLE. Just so lame, embarrassing, and bad. My instincts were right though...Dishpig really is rather good.

What In The NAME?

2004-10-28T18:56:00.000+10:00

Are Neighbours producers completely retarded? Do they have no. short. term. memories. at. all?

HAVE THEY FORGOTTEN THE LIFE MECHANICS FIASCO ALREADY?

I could scarcely believe my ears tonight. Lyn is becoming a Life Councilor. She's joining an organisation that offers 'Life advice' and 'general guidance' about how to live...

It all sounded so familiar.

Hahahahahaha. I guess we'll just have to follow this Lyn Mechanics story line and see where it takes us...

Oh Yeah!

2004-10-28T15:58:00.000+10:00

I've been forgetting to mention this for the past few days. Eminem's new video 'Mosh' is AMAZING. I think it would probably be even better if I was an American voter, but it's awesome either way.

The reason - it's Political! It's Eminem gathering up the masses, and you think that they are going to go cause some kind of mass destruction, but actually - they are just lining up to vote! BRILLIANT. It choked me up a little.

You can watch it here.

This DEFINITELY fits in with Celebrity Peace Week. Despite the title, I guess it's more Celebrity Socially & Politically Aware Week...so yeah, Eminem is right up there on our heroes list.

'I've Gotta Go Save Some Africans!'

2004-10-28T13:37:00.000+10:00

Our first stop on the tour - Slough!

To pay a visit to a man who uses his humour and his profile to both help and amuse people...

If he makes people laugh whilst saving lives, sue him.

"People say to me 'Oi Brent, why are you still bothering with Comic Relief? You're always doing it and there's still people starving' - that's why I'm still doing it."

Yes, if there's one person in the world that really embodies the spirit of celebrities giving back to society, it's David Brent. Just remember that all the money raised is for both dances...because on a serious note - we are raising money for people who are starving to death.

But who says famine has to be depressing!

All We Are Saying, Is Give Peace A Second Chance

2004-10-27T14:09:00.000+10:00

I've noticed (and I KNOW I'm not the only one) that there is a distinct lack of magical mystery touring going on around here. But all that is about to change!

Seeing as certain people have seen it fit to trash Do They Know It's Christmas and the Band Aid 'brand', we are hitting back... by going on a Magical Mystery Tour - Of Celebrity Peace!

We'll be travelling to Africa with Bob, Damon, and Bono, visiting the rainforests with Sting (and Stingray!), there'll be bed-ins, Live Aids, charity singles, tel-a-thons, missions, expeditions, appearances on Oprah - the lot!

And no prizes for guessing who'll be driving!

This could be the end of everything...

2004-10-26T13:32:00.000+10:00

If I was to make a non-hysterical judgment (ie, NOT in the middle of an 'OMG, this is the best song ever!' mania) of what this year's best song and album are...do you know what they would be?

Best Single: Keane - Somewhere Only We Know
Best Album: Keane - Hopes And Fears

That...really doesn't seem right. I don't want 2004 to be the Year Of KEANE. I mean, don't get me wrong - I love Somewhere Only We Know like Ashlee Simpson loves a ho-down, that's why it's number one. And the album is awesome. But, a Keane clean sweep of the boards? They are so boring.

Can Gwen release her album in time to save things? Can ANYTHING be done at all?? When I look back at the other things that I have loved this year...well, I really don't want it to be the year of Misdeamor Higgins or Peter Murray either. What a BOREFEST.

I just hope I still love What You Waiting For in two weeks. But I wouldn't bet on it.

I Still Love Levi

2004-10-25T23:40:00.000+10:00

You might remember Levi was my fave Idol from last year (more by default than anything - everyone else was crap). So it was great to see the fresh prince in the crowd tonight. I still, rather inexplicably, really like him.

And in great news! - His new single is Stu Approved! It is called 'Handcuffs'! I have a feeling Stu won't be needing to make any arrests over that - it would be illegal to not like it!

Out Of The Blue

2004-10-25T16:51:00.000+10:00

I think I'm back to hating Delta. I don't really know.

I DO know I'm back to loving Mark Philippoussis again.

Ho-Down!

2004-10-25T16:34:00.000+10:00

I want to be Ashlee Simpson.

That is all.

(Incidentally, who else has spent all day trying to perfect the Leprechaun Jig?)

Welcome Back...

2004-10-25T09:50:00.000+10:00

Remember Michael? No, me neither.

Juuuuust kidding. He's started his own 'Goespop'. No doubt there will be plenty of incorrect information being delivered. And now I will just have to disagree from afar, with no powers of editing.

Jokes on him though - my fiendish plan has finally worked! Now that I have got rid of him, I am moving back into the Love Pavilion! It looks a bit different than it used to, but it's still the same place at heart.

(Don't worry, this is only a very brief resurrection)

Pop Mechanics With Stu

2004-10-24T21:13:00.000+10:00

Yes - it's a very old fashioned Pop Mechanics With Stu! Where Stu attempts to solve the problems of the world's popstars - Life Mechanics style!

Today's lucky recipient is Gwen Stefani.

Crystal: Hi Stu
Stu: G'day. What seems to be the problem?
Crystal: Well Stu...I'm really worried about Gwen Stefani. See, I really love her new single, so I'm fairly sure it's going to flop spectacularly. How can she avoid this fate?
Stu: Ah...I think that the answer to this might be found right here within the song's lyrics
Crystal: I had a feeling it might be.
Stu: You see, Gwen sings the following: 'Stuck in a moving car, can't find the brake'
Crystal: That's obviously big trouble
Stu: No, not at all. In fact, it's good to not put your foot on the brake
Crystal: Oh yeah, I catch your drift
Stu: She's obviously speeding down the highway of success with her foot on the accelerator.
Crystal: That is such a relief. So she's going to be OK?
Stu: She sure is.
Crystal: Thanks Stu.

A Lesson In Comedy

2004-10-24T13:32:00.000+10:00

Remember when I did that test Are You As Funny As You Think You Are? and I got 'Well done - YOU ARE DAVID BRENT!' ? Well, I think I just got some more cold hard comedy home truths, thanks to my tape of last night's Rage.

It was Tripod guest programming, who I really can't stand. I think they are totally non-hilarious, and their 'affiliation' with Rove isn't helping either.

Anyway...the first song they picked was Tenancious D 'Tribute'. I found this VERY fitting because yesterday I'd said they were the Australian version of Tenancious D, but without any comedy or music skills. So when one of them said 'This band makes me want to quit my job' I was thinking, yeah, PLEASE DO.

But then...strike me down, because the rest of their intro to the song was quite hilarious. And their into to the next song as well!

Which made me slowly start to think...when I eventually guest program rage...I don't think I'm going to be this hysterical. Oh my God - I AM NOT EVEN AS FUNNY AS TRIPOD.

I don't think I'll watch the rest of the tape because it's too depressing.

What I CAN do though - is practice. My Ultimate Rage Playlist changes week-to-week, but if for some reason Rage phoned me this right this instant and said 'Pick your playlist RIGHT NOW!' this is what would be on it.

I think it really does straddle the line between obeying The Rage Rules, and picking all the songs I love. All I have to do now is look through it and decide between which songs to insert the jokes.

Crystal's Rage Guest Program Playlist:

1. Whatever - OASIS
2. Ticket To Ride - THE BEATLES
3. Instant Karma! - JOHN LENNON
4. There Is A Light That Never Goes Out - THE SMITHS
5. Wannabe - THE SPICE GIRLS
6. Buffalo Stance - NENEH CHERRY
7. Stay - LISA LOEB
8. London Calling - THE CLASH
9. This Is Hardcore - PULP
10. Common People - PULP
11. Baby One More Time - BRITNEY SPEARS
12. Lucky Star - MADONNA
13. Hell Hole - SPINAL TAP
14. Love In An Elevator - AEROSMITH
15. Living On A Prayer - BON JOVI
16. Paint It Black - ROLLING STONES
17. Karma Police - RADIOHEAD
18. For Tomorrow - BLUR
19. To The End - BLUR
20. Good Vibrations - MARKY MARK
21. U Can't Touch This - MC HAMMER
22. Don't You Want Me - HUMAN LEAGUE
23. Come Home With Me Baby - DEAD OR ALIVE
24. Rebel Rebel - DAVID BOWIE
25. Animal Nitrate - SUEDE
26. Hello Sunshine - SUPER FURRY ANIMALS
27. I Believe In A Thing Called Love - THE DARKNESS
28. The Scientist - COLDPLAY
29. Slam Dunk Da Funk - FIVE
30. Look At Me - GERI HALLIWELL
31. Wham Rap - WHAM!
32. Satellite Of Love - LOU REED
32. Shiny Happy People - REM Feat B-52S
33. I Want You Back - JACKSON FIVE
34. Gigantic - THE PIXIES
35. Malibu - HOLE
36. Otherside - RED HOT CHILLI PEPPERS
37. California Love - 2PAC Feat DR DRE
38. Lose Yourself - EMINEM
39. Foolish Games - JEWEL
40. Love Takes Time - MARIAH CAREY
41. Why Can't I - LIZ PHAIR
42. Winter - TORI AMOS
43. Back For Good - TAKE THAT
44. Hanging On The Telephone - BLONDIE
45. Back In Black - AC/DC
45. Papa Don't Preach - KELLY OSBOURNE
46. No Good Advice - GIRLS ALOUD
47. Help! - THE BEATLES
48. Rock 'n' Roll Star - OASIS
49. Supersonic - OASIS
50. Live Forever - OASIS

Oh my GOD, that is the best collection of songs ever. Now I just wish so badly that it was real.

Rage, call me! - I have hilarious anecdotes after all!

My heart's in overdrive, and you're behind the steering wheel

2004-10-23T18:41:00.000+10:00

Life Mechanics: The Book chapter titles

BEST SONG EVER

2004-10-23T13:58:00.000+10:00

Gwen Stefani - What You Waiting For

This song seriously rocks my world. And the film clip...it is BEST FILM CLIP EVER.

This line though...

'Look at your watch now,
You're still a super hot female'

Plese tell me there's a proper version that goes:

'Look at your watch now,
You're still a super hot bitch'

Because that would actually rhyme, make more sense, and be 100% less lame. The first one doesn't seem to fit, so I am just hoping Rage censored it.

Otherwise, song of the year. (Cameron says so too!!!)

Edit: Apparently there IS no Crystal's Improved Lyrics remix. Popstars should REALLY submit their lyrics to me before they are recorded, so I can make them better.

Oh fuck...I sound like Ricki-Lee. We really have become one.

Me, Cameron & The Sugababes - A Tale Of Courage & Heartbreak

2004-10-22T21:36:00.000+10:00

Listening to the Sugababes debut album this afternoon, I was reminded of a very tumultuous time in mine and Cameron Adams' relationship.

It was the Spring of 2000, and two simultaneous events were happening.

1. There was this new song out that I hated. Absolutely hated with a passion. I would often catch it on Video Hits or hear it on the radio, but for some reason I had never heard the title or name of the act. All I knew was that I hated it for many reasons...the crappy film clip, the ugly band members, that stupid line about trains...'train moves I don't know it's destination...'. For some reason I thought the song was probably called 'Destination' or something.

2. There was this new song out that Cameron Adams kept going on about in HiT. During the weeks leading up to it's release, he would mention it, and called it 'Late contender for song of the year'. When he did the review for it he gave it The Full Five Dogs - very rare for a single - and said it was a pop masterpiece. Every time he said something like this, I would think, I have GOT to hear this song - it must be excellent! I wonder why I've never heard it... It was called 'Overdrive' by some group called the Sugababes.

Imagine my horror when I discovered that they were THE SAME SONG. I was watching the video on TV, and finally caught what the name of the song was, and who it was by. I was in serious shock.

I could not believe that Cameron had got it SO. WRONG. His Best Song Ever, was That Stupid Song I Hate.

To this day, I STILL think he was wrong. It's the only time he's ever really loved a song that I have hated. It really caused me to re-think my religion. I really questioned everything that day.

And yet...the day the album was released, despite the fact that Overdrive was the only song I'd heard, and obviously hated, I bought the album. Because I NEEDED to believe that Cameron could not lead me so far astray.

And - I loved it.

It had a happy ending afterall! And I knew I could continue trusting Cameron Adams forever!

The end.

It's a steady job, But he wants to be a paperback writer...

2004-10-22T16:26:00.000+10:00

As you can see from the link in the corner, I have finally got my writing blog 'under way'. It's situated here: Paperback Writer.

It's mostly going to be about the following:

My nanowrimo novelling

Life Mechanics: The Book
AND

Crystal's Book Club

Basically, it's all about books and writing, and will be HIGHLY dorky. But still quite fun.

Ricki-Lee - Retired

2004-10-22T10:56:00.000+10:00

I've had to force Ricki-Lee into premature retirement I'm affraid.

I mean...I received today's improvement...I think you've really run out of ideas when your latest tip is 'today I'm going to tell Dishpig how to wash dishes!' The moment's really over when it's come to that.

Don't bother signing petitions to try and get her back...it's quite a shock early exit, I know, but her time is really up.

Cameron Adams EXPOSED

2004-10-21T13:45:00.000+10:00

Puntastic titles aside, HiT was a hotbed of lies and deception this week.

Yes Cameron, I AM talking about your Robbie Williams review.

He gave it the full five dogs, said it was excellent, yeah yeah, blah blah, whatever. I'm not worried about that. Exactly.

What I AM worried about is the following:

He says in the first paragraph that Robbie has 'never made a classic pop album'. Cameron - I remember when Life Thru A Lens and Sing When You're Winning were released, respectively, you loved them BOTH. 4 or 4.5 Dogs you gave them. And you ALWAYS hold up Life Thru A Lens as JUST THAT - a 'Classic Pop Album'.

He then said that Come Undone was a top song and that it shows Robbie as 'one the the greatest lyricists'. NOT TWO YEARS AGO, you called it - and I QUOTE - 'The worst song Robbie has ever released'.

I haven't seen such blatant rewriting of history since Ricki-Lee. And Cameron ALWAYS pulls this kind of shit. Maybe he thinks most people won't notice, but he obviously isn't counting on his biggest fan remembering every. single. word. that he has ever written - but I DO. And I am just here to keep him in check.

Personally, when I form an opinion about an artist, I stick with it. As Missy Higgins, Pete Murray and Delta Goodrem would personally attest to. So I expect the same from you Cameron.

Ricki-Lee's Guide To Improvement

2004-10-20T14:50:00.000+10:00

Why stop when you're on top! My improvements are the craze that's taking over the world, whilst making it a better place to live. So far I've improved:

The music of the Beatles

The art of Michelangelo

The theories of Einstein

Today, I am taking on the whole literary world. I tell ya what, there are some real pieces of crap out there on the shelves. It's going to take me a while to get through all of them (I'm quite a slow reader), but just for starters...

Wuthering Heights: What the hell was going on here? I mean, moors...ghosts...? NO. How about shopping malls and party invites next time. And why did all the characters have the same name? That was confusing. Maybe if they'd all be called Beyonce, that would be better. I mean, it would still be confusing, but a lot more fun.

And really, memo to the characters - dead means dead. Dead also means that you're music is old and crap and that no one likes it.

Fun Fact! Did you know that two of the Beatles are dead? This is a thought that always brings a smile to my face when I am feeling down.

Moby Dick Oh my God, whales are so cool. I live on the Gold Coast, and I've been to Sea World quite a few times. That's a real sort of party invite place. I have a stuffed whale I got from there once that I keep on my bed. When you squeeze it it makes a sound!! Heehee. It's name is Jermaine, after Jermaine Jackson.

Didn't really like this book though. There were too many 'themes' in it, I think. Next time - just keep it quite simple, with one layer. For instance, when I go to the beach, I just sun tan for a couple of hours and go home. That would make a great book.

William Shakespeare, The Complete Works Of: Death, death, and more death in these, isn't there. This has just really reinforced my philosophy that Old Things = No Fun At All.

I tried to find the Chaka Khan version of King Lear in the library, but they only had the original, so I had to read that. God, so boring. And, really, I think jabbing out peoples eyeballs just in order to win a competition is a bit extreme. Not that I wouldn't have loved to do that to Chanel on several occasions, but that's not very modern. My tactics were more to screech loudly, flash my breasts quite often, and hump James Matheson on stage every week. And remember - 'Australian Idol was all about Ricki-Lee'. For about 3 days.

So, my point is Shakespeare - a lot more people would like you now if, instead of always ending your plays with murders or suicides, you had replaced them with perhaps a scene of everyone at a roller disco.

That's really all I have time for now. But I have a feeling that Charles Dickens is going to get a lesson or two in the up-coming future. And don't even get me STARTED on that Tolstoy guy...I'm just going to have to re-write War And Peace from scratch.

XXX Ricki-Lee

A Few Things

2004-10-20T13:55:00.000+10:00

You know, I do love to be a topic of dinner conversation. (Make a full tape recording and transcript next time though thanks)

In EXCITING news!
- Life Mechanics - The Book is coming soon. More on that later

I sort of half like this blog template, but...it's not very magical and/or mysterious. I'm totally firing Chris and hiring Mel B if he doesn't get his act together though.

Has anyone else ever noticed that Britney Spears 'Email My Heart' sounds a lot like John Lennon's 'Imagine'?

Weird Stu-Related Quote Of The Day

2004-10-19T18:50:00.000+10:00

Toadie, to Stu: 'The rest of the world might love you, but I don't'.

The rest of the world loves Stu?? Cool.

Ricki-Lee's Guide To Improvement

2004-10-19T13:22:00.000+10:00

Hi, Ricki-Lee back again! My last improvement was such a huge success you know... I mean, people are actually visiting the Sistine Chapel now! And that's all thanks to me! So I'm just going to keep on improving things till everything is better!

For today's improvement, I thought I'd give Einstein a little lesson in physics.

Because, come on...look at this equation: E=mc2. What does that even mean? That's not relevant to the youth today! I wasn't even born when it was invented, so how am I supposed to know what the hell it means??

This is the equation I personally like to use in my day-to-day life:

Bi + R-Lv = PI

That's Beyonce Influence + Ricki-Lee Vibe = Party Invite

And that's the way to improve EVERYTHING. You give it a Beyonce influence, and a modern Ricki-Lee vibe, and hey presto - you've got yourself a party invite!

SEE, Einstein? That's how you do physics.

XXX Ricki-Lee

Dishpig Dissected

2004-10-19T11:59:00.000+10:00

I have some questions about out new hero Dishpig. I missed some of his 'character arc' last night, so I'm not sure about something. Is he called Dishpig because he washes dishes, or does he wash dishes because he's called Dishpig? I suppose it's a bit like the chicken and the egg, isn't it. Hmm.

Also, I've thought about the WOMP comparison some more. They actually DO have a bit in common. I mean, they both:

Have the same hair

Have a stupid name

Are mildly retarded

The best character in an otherwise shit show

Are often referred to with a 'The' in front of their name (ie, 'The WOMP', 'The Pig')

As much as I hate The Cooks I hope it stays on air, just to give Dishpig a chance to really come into his own.

Far Out Man

2004-10-18T23:23:00.000+10:00

I am SEVERELY freaked out. I just watched the new show, The Cooks, right, and I hated it.

Except for one character. His name is Dishpig.

(He's the one at the back)

Anyway...as I was watching, I thought...'This guy is the new WOMP!'

EXCEPT - I was 100% sure that this was for reasons only I would understand. After all...they aren't very similar. It's just this...vibe.

But, discussing it with Jess, here, she asks me 'Is he the new WOMP?' - out of nowhere!

HOW DID SHE KNOW?

That was so random and weird. That two different people would see the WOMP/Dishpig comparison.

Anyway...Dishpig is my new hero and life advisor. He'll probably get a gig here at some stage...instead of doubling the fun he'll be halving it, but anyway. I'm sure he has some great jokes to tell.

Dishpig Fever has hit!

Bugger it.

2004-10-18T16:00:00.000+10:00

Let's just say that SOMEBODY made a giant fuck-up. So we're back to the old faithful basic template. There is no back-up of the other one. I guess this means that Chris has his work cut out for him.

Ricki-Lee's Guide To Improvement

2004-10-18T09:52:00.000+10:00

Hello, I'm Ricki-Lee! Welcome to my new segment, Ricki-Lee's Guide To Improvement - where I take so-called 'classic' things and improve them, with a fresh Ricki-Lee vibe!

Last week I was unfairly voted out of Australian Idol after singing a wonderful improved version of a Beatles song. A lot of people have said that maybe I was voted out because I murdered it, and annoyed a lot of Beatles fans with my total lack of respect and offensive attitude. But as I have quite clearly stated several times during interviews this week the reason I was voted out was because I was SO good - everyone thought I was safe! And thus didn't vote!

So the point is - everyone loves my improvements! Which is why I've been thinking... why stop at the Beatles?? There are so many other things I could improve!

For my first improvement, I thought I would give Michelangelo a little lesson in art. I paid a visit to the Sistine Chapel recently, and it's quite clear what I thought of it:

I mean, look at it - It's old! And I hate old things! It really needed me to give it a modern update, to make it more Ricki-Lee, so that people will like it more.

So I got straight to work! After some modern Ricki-Lee touch-ups, it looks something like this:

See? Improvement! Now it's something you can really enjoy. Boy, if only there was an Art Idol! I'd probably be even more successful than I was on Oz Idol!

Coming up soon, on Ricki-Lee's Guide To Improvement:

Memo to Mozart: your music needs improvement

It's time for a remake of Casablanca - Ricki-Lee style!

So God created the universe did he? Well I could do a better job!

See you all next time!

XXX Ricki-Lee

***********

It's chapter 5, and David Dixon hasn't even joined the band yet

2004-10-17T22:39:00.000+10:00

I wasn't kidding about listening to an Indecent Obsession cassette today. It was this one, that I bought about...4 months ago:

Anyway, I'd never actually played it before, but as it's a special day I did. And it is fucking horrific. And you know I usually LOVE crap. This is probably the worst album I've ever heard. Is it 15 years too late to start the Indecent Obsession Suck Club?

I really thought an act that provided the greatest great joke ever, would have made some better music.

I'm just getting Chris in to do some repair work...

2004-10-17T20:34:00.000+10:00

So if things are a bit messy during the next day or two, you know what's going on.

I just gave him a ring this arvo when I realised that we really need a fresh coat of paint.

Chris: Chris's Liz-o-Vations! How may I help you!
Crystal: Hi Chris...guess what. It's just like the poster says...my blog literally IS all Yellow.
Chris: Damn, that is no good! I'll be round tomorrow morning to fix it up!
Crystal: Cool. I'm thinking...something in neon green.
Chris: ...no. I actually refuse to do that.
Crystal: Alright. Purple would be quite good then.
Chris: No probs! Keep trade fair!
Crystal: See ya later!

*****************

And, speaking of 'Increasing the great jokes'...

The original gangsters are back!! This is great news for the rest of the world, and for them...but possibly bad for me. Already this afternoon I've listened to an entire Indecent Obsession cassette.

It's only a matter of time before I'm mistaking Forrest Gump for Anthony Koutoufides and wondering what would happen if Hector The Booty Inspector had to find a real job...

I hope the great jokes are, as Gary Barlow would say, back for good.

What Mel C and Lulu Have In Common

2004-10-17T13:39:00.000+10:00

No, it's not just great music. It's the fact that they've both had the honour of having a website made about them, by me. We ALL know about Lulu Luvvers Unite of course, the website that really tells you everything you ever need to know about Lulu.

But - what about the very FIRST website I ever made? Well, it was a little site known as Mel C Sucks.

I never really added any content, but as many people have pointed out, the words 'Poo Head' really said it all. Adding anything else might have just confused the message.

(BTW, it doesn't really seem to work in Firefox. You need to use Internet Explorer for the full 'animation experience')

Things Are Actually The Same Again

2004-10-17T11:55:00.000+10:00

I guess Extreme Beatles/Spice Girls/Oasis Appreciation Mania Week is over, because...well, it's been a week. I didn't really want to end it, but that's the way 'weeks' operate.

Anyway, it's the Mel C Hating Celebration Festival. I know the picture up the top is a bit 'large' but I like it so it has to stay. Won't be there for too long anyway.

Now...as for my Top Ten All Times Legends List. I made the list...but, I dunno. It just doesn't seem right when I read it back. I think Serious Time might just be Never Time.

Number 1 and 2 are correct and will never change (God, and...the other God). But the rest...I can't get it quite right. And I want Stu in the list, if it's ever official. So I don't know if it will actually happen now.

But that's OK, because there's Mel C Mania galore going on!

Extreme Chik Appreciation Mania

2004-10-15T13:50:00.000+10:00

There's a new Chik mag in town! (at the newsagents).

And it is brilliant, once again. I won't give you the BEST bits, because you have to buy it yourself, but here are some samples from this month's issue:

(I KNOW...Fergie on the cover again. That's two days in a row.)

You know, that's a bit like something from my own mag, in a special feature I might do:
COMPLETE GUIDE TO BEING BONZA
(Don't actually use the word bonza, it's not very cool)

I do love Chik's completely irrelevant 'How To' guides though. And I'll be referring to any entertainment appliances that I own as 'Hi-Fi systems' from now on, even (well, especially) my pocket AM radio.

I think 'People lacking irony need not apply' could really refer to the whole magazine. I've also cut off the tip there, 'If you see someone wearing the same dress, spit on her', which I liked.

And they did a pros and cons as to why you should like Mark Holden! How absolutely awesome. I think this tip sums up exactly why I love him:

I DO have that ability. Unfortunately though, there were way more 'negatives' than 'positives'. But there was Marcia Bashing, so that made up for it.

Then at the end...there's a quiz - Are You As Funny As You Think You Are?

And this is the answer I got:

The thing is, I'm sure they mean it to be negative about DB, but it sort of reads like they're saying "You aren't funny enough, so go watch David Brent to get some tips on how to improve your comedy". And anyway...watching The Office and getting humour tips from David Brent is part of my daily ritual anyway, so thanks for that 'advice', Chik.

There are also the following EXCELLENT, EXCELLENT articles:

'Op-shop Like A Pro'

'Don't Go Psycho'

'Politics - Why You Need To Give A Shit'

'It's Not All Bad'

'Going For Gold'

PLUS - A Neighbours special
PLUS - A poster of Misdemeanor Higgins
PLUS - Some 'Guess Who' appreciation!!!! (The board game)

I think I might just have a new Bible.

With Ricki-Lee it's only been 5 DAYS...

2004-10-15T10:02:00.000+10:00

Last night I dreamt that I threw a party to celebrate 8 Years Of Hating Mel C.

**

It was just kind of weird, because I had never consciously realised it was that long. When I woke up I counted the years and realised that it was true...it's been exactly 8 years since the hating first started. I guess my brain really wanted me to acknowledge the occasion. I'm not sure I'd throw a party though.

Perhaps SOME kind of festivities are in order though. I really want to sort this issue out before I dream of Mel C again. Because they're not so much dreams as they are HORRIBLE NIGHTMARES.

(PS - that was the most attractive picture I could find)

Right, the hating just continues...

2004-10-14T22:25:00.000+10:00

Ricki-Lee on why she stuffed around with the Beatles arrangements so much:

'I wanted to make it more Ricki-Lee'

Yep, that's just...that's just great. Because, you know. That's what's really wrong with a lot of the Beatles' songs. They just aren't 'Ricki-Lee' enough. I'm glad she's here now though to improve them for all of us. I'm sure that's what Paul McCartney would have been thinking if he was watching the show...'If only I'd given the songs more of a Ricki-Lee vibe at the time...we would have been so much more successful'.

Fuck I hate her. It's MEL C level of hate. I actually like Melanie in comparison. And if you know me, you know that is serious.

Play Time Is Over

2004-10-14T21:35:00.000+10:00

Since I've started my Hall Of Fame thing, I've been asked by literally zero people, 'Crystal, who would you ACTUALLY put in a Hall Of Fame if it wasn't a complete joke?' So it's lucky I asked myself that. Because it's a question that deserves an answer.

I mean, I couldn't even put Stu in it, in good conscience. Because my relationship with Stu is built on a foundation of sarcasm. Sometimes, I think I actually do like him...but then I realise that I'm on the road of mind confusion. So I take a turn off at reality street and park my car at the fact junction.

Anyway...yeah, what was the point? I think I swerved down a wrong turn there. Oh fuck, I can't stop doing it.

IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT:

Starting tomorrow(!) I will be counting down the Top 10 Biggest Legends Ever (The Non-Sarcastic Remix). I know, it might be a bit of a shock when there's no Bonza Dog or Summer Hoyland on the list...but I have to be strong. I have to be serious.

I have the list already done, so tomorrow we start counting it down, starting at the tenth biggest legend ever. There WILL be no Stu. There MIGHT be a WOMP. No, see I'm kidding around already. There won't be any WOMP-ing. Just Serious Legends.

See ya tomorrow Legend Lovers!

Cameron Time

2004-10-14T14:38:00.000+10:00

I so rarely mention Cameron Adams these days, that you could be forgiven for thinking I'd become some sort of atheist. I still read the Bible though, and I still believe in Cameron. Of course, though, in my religion there are many Gods...but still, Cameron is the one supreme God.

I guess it's time to show a little more devotion though, with an old fashioned HiT Review.

Fergie on the cover?? I so do not approve. I'm also not approving of:

Lindsay Lohan in the 'Hot' section (I know I used to love her forever, but I hate her now)

Ricki-Lee's departure in the 'Not Hot' section. That is the Hottest news that has ever been.

There's a great Delta review though:

Delta Goodrem 'Out Of The Blue'
This pocket-sized epic is positively bursting with emotion and clearly high on love. The kitchen-sink production and layer upon layer of melody leave you almost breathless at the end. Welcome back: to No.1.
4 Stars

Our old mate Pete Murray got 3 stars as well. I've seen the single in stores, and it is all fancy and 'special edition'. It sort of makes me want to buy it.

The Hall Of Fame....continuing, just.

2004-10-14T10:08:00.000+10:00

Hmmm. After yesterday's 'inducting mania', I started to get this really strong feeling of deja vu. And yeah...a quick look through the Pavilion archives revealed that I did the EXACT same thing last year. It's almost scary how much I've copied my own self.

Case In Point:

Today, I WAS going to induct the 'Live Forever' documentary, on the basis that it is 'The Best Music Documentary Ever'.

This time last year, I inducted 'In Bed With Madonna' on the basis that it was...'The Best Music Documentary Ever'.

I've frightened myself. I've become my own tribute act.

SO - WHAT TO DO THEN?

Luckily for me, but probably unfortunate for everyone else at the time, we stopped doing it about 3 days into it. Therefore, it was certainly not very definitive. So, we can still press on...to make a better, and complete, Hall Of Fame.

THE THIRD INDUCTEE:

I think it's pretty obvious who the third inductee is...

That's correct - it's Mel B!

Mel's Credentials:

Mel B had the honour of being my 'Favourite Spice Girl' for the months June through to October of 1998, briefly stealing the crown from Geri. I thought she was 'cool' and had 'a great style'.

For what this is worth, I think she's the best actor of all the Spice Girls in Spiceworld. Only because she doesn't even TRY to act.

What would the Spice Girls songs be without Mel B's rapping? The answer of course is - 100% BETTER. (But the point is, rapping in pop songs is good in theory. Even if it never worked, at least she tried)

'I Want You Back', 'Tell Me' and 'Word Up' were all good singles

She collaborated with the original Misdemeamor Higgins, Missy Elliot.

Also, she's a Spice Girl. That's qualification enough. Unless you're Mel C.

THE SECOND INDUCTEE: The Dancing Blur Animation

2004-10-13T16:17:00.000+10:00

Yes, the second inductee into what is totally not the Hall Of Fame is the famous Dancing Blur Animation:

Now, some people have argued that it's not so much 'dancing' as it is moving left to right. Well, I say that those people just don't know good dancing when they see it. I KNOW my way around Animation Shop alright? If I decide to make a dancing animation, then that is LITERALLY what is 'on the cards'.

But ok, the most important thing (believe it or not) about the animation though, is not that it dances, but what it represents.

It first appeared when the Love Pavilion originally 'closed' 'down'.

When I took the rest of the content off, as a kind of consolation I put this up for people to enjoy instead.

HOWEVER. When people started to act mean and ungrateful, I took it down as punishment, so that there would be NO MORE ENJOYMENT.

It worked well, and everyone learned their lesson.

And since that day, the phrase 'Animations have been taken down' has become synonymous with 'Trouble has QUITE CLEARLY ARRIVED'

The significance of it containing Blur is not to be overlooked either. Blur have been the cause of every fight that has ever been. Whether you LOVE THEM FOREVER, HATE them forever, or just enjoy the odd jaunty vibe that they bring to the table, controversy (and dancing) follows them every step of the way.

Well done Dancing Animation Of Fear - you are the second member of TNTHOF!

THE HALL OF FAME

2004-10-13T15:32:00.000+10:00

Well, we really want to do our own Hall Of Fame honouring all the most important people and things in the world. Except, at the risk of infringing copyright we can't CALL it the 'Hall Of Fame'. I don't know exactly what to call it yet, but temporarily, it is TOTALLY NOT The Hall Of Fame, ok?

Maybe it can be the Wall Of Fame (as in Wonder). I don't know. Anyway, one thing is for sure, it's NOT The Hall Of Fame. Wendy James will attest to this if she has too. It's an original idea that is not ripping off anyone else. At all.

So...who (or what?) is the first "inductee"?

It's actually a thing, to start off with. I will give you some clues as to what it is:

1. It's one of the most influential albums of the past 10 years
2. It's by a little band known as Oasis

Yes, you've guessed right!

It's Standing On The Shoulders Of Giants!

Before you think I'm doing one of my sarcastic 'Mel-C-is-better-than-the-Beatles' routines, I am being serious. I love SOTSOG.

The following songs are all as good as anything of Definitely Maybe (if NOT better):

Gas Panic!

Where Did It All Go Wrong?

Sunday Morning Call

Roll It Over

I also like Little James. I mean, it's no Hey Jude, but...oh, actually, it is. Hey Jude is kind of crap. In that case, it IS a Hey Jude.

Anyway, Standing On The Shoulders is a top album, and a worthy first inductee to our thing that is totally not a Hall Of Fame. Will it be the only Oasis album to make it? (The answer is most certainly NO). And what will be next? (If might be a safe bet to go with David Brent, Cameron Adams or Stuart Parker).

Ricki-Lee Against The Beatles

2004-10-13T09:02:00.000+10:00

Up against the speaker, tryin' take on the music...

So Ricki-Lee blames 'The Beatles' for her getting kicked out of Idol does she? I tell you what, I am getting tired of her damn attitude. She actually thinks she's better than them. In her own head, that is what she thinks.

But, you know, we'll give her the fair comparison. So I guess it's time for another one of our-tried-and-true 'Against The Beatles' match-ups:

The Fab Four Vs A Complete Spak Head
- Who most rules the world of music?

HIT SONGS:
The Beatles: Hundreds
Ricki-Lee: None

CAREER IMPACT:
The Beatles: 40 years of immeasurable influence upon music and pop culture
Ricki-Lee: Was on Australian Idol for 6 weeks

I think we'll just stop this farce right now. It's obvious why God (aka Noel) ejected her from Idol this week. He doesn't take this shit, and neither should anyone else.

*********

Next Up: A much more fair comparison...Ricki-Lee against Mel C. Oh damn...I think Mel C might genuinely win...

Maintaining The Rock!

2004-10-11T23:01:00.000+10:00

Deaf Bank are still excellent.

Five things you need to know about Deaf Bank:

1. Lead singer Chantell Hunter once had a love affair with Graham Coxon and thought Definitely Maybe was 'A great record'

2. Their debut album 'Counterfeit World' was written as a response to American Shopping Mall culture infiltrating British society

3. And then Damon Albarn totally ripped the idea off

4. The video for their fifth single 'Headache' (which is a ballad, despite the title) was nominated for a Grammy in 1993. It was their only ever nomination, and they did not win

5. Cameron Adams was a big fan of the group

19 Days To GO!

2004-10-11T21:05:00.000+10:00

Till the novel writing kicks off. I've been giving lots of thought to my novel. Well, I've given it a thought. I don't have any clue what it will be about, except that it will be humour. Well, allegedly. I can't promise it will be actually BE humourous...I just mean that it's probably not going to be serious.

I'm most likely going to start a new blog about it, while it's being written. And I have a GREAT, appropriate, Beatles title to name it after. It will be called Hey Jude. No, it will be called Paperback Writer of course. God I am a kidder. (This is just one example of my comedy.)

Actually, I'm so pleased with that title that I am definitely going to do it. It will be good...I can put all the stuff about my (quote unquote) "writing" there, and the Mystery Tour can just have all the regular rubbish.

I can't seem to stop ~~Lizzing~~ blogging today. 4 in one DAY. This is quite unheard of.

Thank You Noel And Liam!!!

2004-10-11T20:29:00.000+10:00

Ricki-Lee IS gone. Fucking hell. I have powers.

The Dogs Are Back!

2004-10-11T16:12:00.000+10:00

For...The Official 'Out Of The Blue' Review

You know, unlike all those unofficial reviews that will be 'floating' around this week. This one is for real.

First things first: I've ALWAYS liked Delta Goodrem. I've most certainly never proclaimed her to be pure evil, or a curse on the entire country or anything like that. If that's what you think, you've obviously got me mixed up with someone else.

1. Out Of The Blue
Single Of The Year so far. (If you don't count 'Somewhere Only We Know', 'Love Is Only A Feeling', 'Popular', and 'This Is The World We Live In'). Very similar to 'Lost Without You' which can only be an excellent thing. And co-written with Guy Chambers, I can certainly detect a bit of a jaunty Robbie Williams vibe here.

2. Visualise

Another Guy Chambers track, BUT - guess who it sounds exactly like? Yes, that's right - Keane! This could well be on it's way to being a Best Song Ever. It is a bit crap though. I mean, it's good, but it's definitely a b-side. Better not be on the album.

3. Beautiful Madness

Ew...it's Latin-y. Or something. It's all jaunty, and NOT in the good way.

*************

On an unrelated note, I am praying to Noel for a shock Ricki-Lee boot tonight. I have decided she is completely rubbish.

I'd Like To Be Under The Sea - A response to last night's Idol bashing of Octopus's Garden

2004-10-11T09:54:00.001+10:00

I didn't really appreciate James & Andrew's too-cool-for-school slandering of 'Octopus's Garden' last night. I genuinely like that song, and here are five good reasons why:

1. It was written and performed by Ringo
2. It is great and cheerful and happy: 'We will sing, and dance around!'
3. They sing it on Play School
4. I have an mp3 of Noel singing it mixed together with 'Whatever' and it is great
5. It's got a great political ideology:

'Oh what joy, for every girl and boy, knowing they're happy and they're safe.'

'We would be so happy you and me, no one to tell us what to do'.
It leaves Imagine in the dust.

And, despite it's ridiculous lyrics and theme, it's actually a really good song. So stop the bashing now.

It's Time For Another Meeting Of....!

2004-10-10T22:53:00.000+10:00

Yes! It's back! The most popular fanclub ever - with a membership of one! - The Danny Fanclub!

Except - It's *New And Improved*!

But HOW?

Well, I borrowed out the Steven King Shining mini-series to compare and 'contrast'. And...this is a true story...it's on three discs, and goes for about 6 hours, and it took me till 2 hours into it to realise I was watching it in the wrong order. Yes, I'm that dumb.

Anyway. When I had finally seen it all, wrong order or not - one thing was clear. It doesn't matter WHO plays Danny, they are always bonza.

Danny II isn't quite as bonza as Original Super Danny, but he's still cool. Therefore - the Fanclub takes on a whole new dimension! Meetings are back on!

Chanel For Prime Minister - The Idol Beatles Show "Review"

2004-10-10T19:51:00.000+10:00

Chanel - 'Across The Universe'. Oh. My. God. That was out of this world. BEST IDOL PERFORMANCE EVER. I want to buy her version as a single.

Anthony - 'I Saw Her Standing There'. Fuck Anthony and his anti-Beatles 'statements'. I hate him from this point forward. Oh yeah, and crap performance too.

Casey - 'Eleanor Rigby'. SHE FORGOT THE WORDS! 'Eleanor Rigby...dum dum dum...erm...dum, da da...mmmmmm....' Oh. Dear. And what the hell was with all the electric guitar?? I thought this was going to be great for Casey, but it was terrible. She should be voted out.

Marty - 'Oh Darling'. Yeah, it was alright.

Hayley - 'Yesterday'. SHE FORGOT THE WORDS TOO! What the hell is going on? She also sung it way too slow...it was OK though.

Courtney - 'Got To Get You Into My Life'. 'I'd like to think that if Paul was watching the show tonight he'd think I did it justice'. You and Paul deserve each other, Courtney.

Ricki-Lee - 'We Can Work It Out'. The fact that she stated beforehand...'This is a Beatles song...but some GREAT people have covered it'...yeah, I'm going to be hating her forever as well. (I think she also forgot some words)

To sum up,
Chanel: Brilliant
Everyone Else: Ranging from completely average to astonishingly awful

Next week - Oasis Week! No, only in my head I'm afraid. It's probably Big fucking Band or something.

Some might say, we will find a brighter day...

2004-10-10T18:03:00.000+10:00

Top 5 Oasis Songs I've Been Playing Today That Really Sum Up The Mood After The Election:

1. Some Might Say
2. Don't Look Back In Anger
3. Where Did It All Go Wrong?
4. Stop Crying Your Heart Out
5. Cast No Shadow.

Sigh.

RE. COUNT.

2004-10-09T22:38:00.000+10:00

You know what, I refuse to accept this result. I don't care if Australia has 'decided'...they have decided WRONG. I'll be just living in denial for the next three years - see you when I get back to reality in 2007!

I won't bore you with the details of my Fun Political Day today, but to wrap-up I spent all of today:

Convincing people to vote Green (preferencing Labour)

Feeling excited that the Greens would pick up a load of votes,

But that Labour would also win

Every time I saw a picture of Mark Latham, waving at it and saying 'Hello future Prime Minister Mark Latham!'

Excitedly informing everyone that tomorrow is 'the start of a brand new era!'

And then I get home, and a nightmare begins slowly unfolding on the TV screen.

That is IT. Fuck YOU, Australia. Where's my brand new era gone? My youthful heart was filled with fucking joy this afternoon and NOW YOU'VE RUINED IT.

Every single animation in the country has been taken down.

2004-10-09T22:16:00.000+10:00

I hate everyone.

Mel C Against The Beatles - Who's The Best?

2004-10-09T10:34:00.000+10:00

It's like a competition, lyric is the beat, I wanna get in the zone

Vs

If you heard the phrase most influential music act ever, from Liverpool... most people are just going to ASSUME "Mel C" is involved. However, just recently there's a new train of thought amongst the music 'circles' that perhaps The Beatles could challenge Mel C for this title...let's find out shall we!

The Fab 4 Versus The Fab 1!
- Who is the most great?

1. Who Has The Best Music?

Well, to be honest, we've got to hand this one right to Mel C. It's a bit of a no-brainer.

2. Who Starred In The Best Movie?

The Beatles starred in a movie tracing 2 days in the life of a pop band as they ran amuck around London trying to make it to a gig on time. Mel C starred in a movie tracing 5 days in the life of a pop band as they run amuck around London trying to make it to their big gig on time. So it's not really fair to compare the two.

Mel C DOES take this one as well though, just.

3. Who was most likely to dress like a pimp?

As nice as Mel C looks most of the time...her style is 'plain', to say the least. One point to The Beatles here!

3. Who Made The Best Album Ever?

As unfair as it is to put Reason up against Sgt Peppers, that's what we have to do. Another point to Mel C.

Final Score: 3-1 in favour of Mel C! We knew it!

Retro Album Appreciation Mania

2004-10-09T10:16:00.000+10:00

You know, there's this thing that happens around every 8 months or so. Something makes me put Northern Star on, and I spend the next three days thinking I love Mel C. It's a cruel trick my mind plays on me.

But, even I, Number One Mel C hater, have to admit this album rules. Feel The Sun is 10 times better than anything the Spice Girls ever did...and it hurts my soul to say that. And Suddenly Monday is Beatles-tastic. It's also better than any Spice Girls song.

I really need to return to normal. Then again...what better way to kick off E.B/SG/O.A.M.W than with a post about the brilliant Mel C. She rules.

Stuff

2004-10-08T16:50:00.000+10:00

* Election tomorrow!!!!! I'm so excited!
* Chanel is singing 'Across The Universe'! OMG OMG. I will be voting for her for the first time ever.
* Did you see that guy's Beatles house/shrine? Oh my God, I want to move in with him. I would never leave if I went inside. That will so totally be my house one day anyway though. Except with Spice Girls stuff.

Speaking of...I am so re-obsessed with them. I watched Spiceworld for the first time in about a year yesterday, and it just bought the magic right back. After I finished working today I spent the rest of the day making Spice Girls Compilation albums. I made three, actually...

'B-sides'
1. Bumper To Bumper (Aka 'Stu's Favourite Song Ever)
2. Take Me Home
3. One Of These Girls
4. Baby Come Round
5. Spice Invaders
6. Step To Me
7. Walk Of Life
8. Outer Space Girls
9. Aint No Stopping Us Now
10. Christmas Wrapping

I only realised after the fact that I forgot 'Strongest Suit'. Damn it to hell.

'Ballads'
1. 2 Become 1
2. Mama
3. Naked
4. Too Much
5. Viva Forever
6. Let Love Lead The Way
7. Time Stands Still
8. Oxygen
9. Goodbye
10. 2 Become 1 Orchestral Mix
11. Viva Forever Remix
12. Goodbye Orchestral Mix

'Good Songs'
1. Wannabe
2. Say You'll Be There
3. Love Thing
4. Who Do You Think You Are
5. If You Can't Dance
6. Spice Up Your Life
7. Stop
8. Move Over
9. Do It
10. Lady Is A Vamp
11. Holler
12. Right Back Atcha
13. Weekend Love

The Spice Girls are so awesome. I think I'm going to have to write a book about them...I am more than willing to dedicate my life to being a full-time Spice Girls fan.

Now I feel like making lists.

Top 5 Spice Girls Songs Ever:
1. Goodbye
2. Wannabe
3. Who Do You Think You Are
4. Spice Up Your Life
5. Outer Space Girls

Top 5 Oasis Songs Ever:
1. Supersonic
2. Live Forever
3. The Masterplan
4. Some Might Say
5. Slide Away

Top 5 Beatles Songs Ever:
1. With A Little Help From My Friends
2. Hello Goodbye
3. A Day In The Life
4. Strawberry Fields Forever
5. Across The Universe

Spice Girls In Decending Order Of Exellence:

1. Geri Halliwell

[Large Gap]

2. Victoria Beckham
3. Melanie Brown
4. Emma Bunton

[Extremely Large Gap]

5. Mel C

Beatles In Decending Order Of Excellence:

1. Ringo Starr

[Large Gap]

2. John Lennon
3. George Harrison

[Extrememly Large Gap]

4. Paul McCartney

Oasis In Decending Order Of Excellence:

1. Noel Gallagher
2. Liam Gallagher
3. Erm...
4. The other
5. ones

Extreme Spice Girls/Oasis/Beatles Appreciation Mania Week coming up btw!

Top 5 Reasons Neighbours Has Ruled This Week

2004-10-07T19:06:00.000+10:00

1. Puntastic Titles
'Boyds To Men'. Excellent. If tomorrow's is called 'The Sky's the Limit' I might just explode.

2. Stu Extravaganza
On Tuesday night, Stu was involved in not one, but TWO major storylines. Plus, for the one minute he wasn't on screen, the other characters were talking about him.

3. The Return Of Sky's Blue Streaks
Old school Sky has returned. Welcome back Sky, we missed you!

4. Lesbianism
Lana on Izzie: 'She's a hottie'. And then Sky's jealous reaction...brilliant.

5. Taj Mentioned TWICE
I think Taj's name was flung around on two consecutive nights! Gone but not forgotten! Woohoo!

Magazine Business

2004-10-06T23:27:00.000+10:00

I think I'm taking the David Brent approach to management a bit far, because instead of working the past three days, I've spent all my time coming up with a cross between Noel's House Party and Telly Addicts.

I promise that tomorrow I am turning over a new leaf.

Not that I have abandoned magazines altogether...I've certainly been reading a lot. You know, I think my magazine addiction rivals my CD addiction, and that is saying something. Sometimes I go to the newsagents twice a day. Just in the past week I've bought Chik, S-Girl, NME, NME Originals Glam Special, New Dawn, Writer's Magazine, Elle and Vogue. I can say it's 'research' all I like, but it's NOT. I don't even read them, really.

Damn...that leaf really needs to be turned. I'll be climbing a brand new tree, starting right now.

*********************************

I know what I am writing my novel on!! (Sort of) I can't wait for November 1.

BEST SONG EVER

2004-10-04T22:38:00.000+10:00

Delta Goodrem - Out Of The Blue

I don't care if she dumped Stu, cheated on Taj, cursed our Olympic athletes and murdered WOMP...this is the best song in the world.

Idol

2004-10-04T21:18:00.001+10:00

Daniel???? Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

This is like a terrible nightmare.

On the otherhand, the Courtney bashing last night = EXCELLENT. The best bit was when he almost cried. I rewound it back twice to laugh.

I. HATE. MARCIA. HINES.

And next week is Beatles Theme Night! I knew they must be having one when no one did a Beatles song for 60s Night.

These Words

2004-10-03T17:23:00.000+10:00

First of all, some quick FAQs

So, what happened to Sky's Magical Mystery Tour then?

I sort of stopped writing it.

This place is pretty much just about peddling whatever your latest 'wares' are now isn't it?

Yes.

When is WOMP coming back? I miss him.

Believe me, I restrain myself from using the Blogger 'Invite' function every day. But he's busy in heaven, so we should let him be.

Click on the picture to go to the site and join! I want EVERYONE to do it. It is going to be extreme and bonza.

Remember that quote from Spiceworld? 'Mel C, who's convinced that she could become an Olympic ski jump champion - if she could only overcome her fear of heights, and of snow...and if she could just get her hands on a pair of skis.'

As much as I HATE to compare myself to Mel C, that's exactly how I feel, if you replaced skiing with writing. I'm convinced I could become a best selling author, if I could just overcome my fear of keyboards, and word processors...and if I could just actually write something.

My freelancing course tells me that the number one fear to overcome is Fear Of The Blank Screen. God, I KNOW. I could stare at one for hours. This isn't really very helpful, when I've got magazines and novels to produce.

Anyway, enough of Negativity Hour. I'll just have to keep reminding myself to take control of the steering wheel, etc.

I now have a total of two employees on my non-existent 'pay-roll'. This is excellent though, as I was expecting to get exactly zero people interested. As this rate I'll be requiring resumes.

But now, finally, I have the opportunity to put all my David Brent skills into practice. I'll be using humour to boost worker moral, introducing the controversial 'team individuality' management technique, and of course, using jigsaws as my number one method. Which you will fear. Especially if you view them through a keyhole.

Woohoo! Remember I AM still looking for staff, so if you want a boss who's a friend first, and an entertainer third, apply right now.

The Return Of...BEST SONG EVER!

2004-10-03T17:13:00.000+10:00

Natasha Bedingfield - The One That Got Away

Spreading wings, touching skys, etc.

2004-10-03T13:20:00.000+10:00

I am so lame. I hadn't heard the Kelly Clarkson song 'Breakaway' till it was on Video Hits this morning, but as soon as it came on I was just struck by the fact that oh my God, this is so INSPIRATIONAL. So I chucked my jacket on and went straight down to Sanity to get it.

It's from the fucking Princess Diaries 2 soundtrack. And it's written by Avril Lavigne. But hey, you have to take inspiration where you can find it these days. And it IS inspirational. It's my new theme song, taking over from Oasis' 'Going Nowhere'. (They both have VERY similar lyrics/themes)

Word Of Warning: Robbie Williams 'Radio' may only be $2.99, but the b-side and remix are both shit, so think twice about getting it.

Top 5 Songs I LOVE At The Moment:

1. Out Of The Blue - Delta Goodrem
2. Penny & Me - Hanson
3. Breakaway - Kelly Clarkson
4. These Words - Natasha Bedingfield
5. Confessions Part 2 - Usher

Yay!

2004-10-02T20:37:00.000+10:00

At the risk of turning this into Dork Central, Extreme Novel Writing November have just re-designed their site and forums, and it's doing quite well to up the 'vibe'. I swear, It's like a cult over there. And you know how I regard cults (favourably). I can tell I am going to be completely sucked in. I am super excited about my novel adventures!

Meanwhile, I've just quickly done up a fake cover for my magazine to make sure I stay on track with it. (I don't know WHY but visual things like this make me more motivated to do it)

WARNING - Real cover will not look like this

The real cover will not have so much color, and believe it or not, have NOTHING to do with Stu. Well, maybe a small bit. Those stories are also false, though are headed in the right direction.

Employee Update

Yes - We have one! That makes the magazine 100% official and going ahead. I have employed top Lizzer Callum (no link in case he doesn't want one, but I can add it) to write about Bunyips, AFL and other related things.

Remember, email if you want to get involved!

My Book (now with Magazine stuff too)

2004-10-02T13:37:00.000+10:00

'I've still got a month and a bit to plan'

Obviously I was quite ignorant of the fact that yesterday was the 1st of October, so, erm, I've just got the month then. That might be the first ever mistake I've made...enjoy it, because it WILL be the last.

So, time to 'get into gear' on Engine Trouble then. For a sneak preview, here is an excerpt from chapter 4.

Dr Kennedy gulped as he looked at the x-ray in front of him.

'Stu', he said quietly. 'I think you'd better take a look at this'.

Stu picked up the sheet and held it to the light. As the realisation of what he was seeing dawned on him he began to shake. That wasn't a brain...that was a gearbox!

Stu dropped the x-ray and turned around to face Dr Kennedy.

'Who gave the green light to this operation?' he yelled.

'I don't know', Dr Kennedy replied. 'But I think it's time we put the brakes on it'...

No, not really. In all seriousness, it's not going to be about Life Mechanics. I think I've driven that car into the ground. Unless I was purposely trying to write the Worst Book Ever, but that idea has already been done.

******************************

Meanwhile, I believe that on Thursday I said I was starting work on my magazine 'tomorrow'. That wasn't so much a mistake as a lie. But actually, I am only a day late, because I am starting it today. Right here, right now.

I think, along the same lines as the the Novel Marathon, the magazine has to be done within a small time frame. I'm just starting my own movement here...Magazine Writing Week. It HAS to be finished by the end of next week, or else. Now, I'll naively suggest that other people join in...obviously no one will, but I'll hold out hope. Other people could try and produce their own magazine by the end of the week, and then we could share!

I'll share anyway, I guess. Though I'm only making one copy, and it is for my own career-related purposes. But I guess I could make copies if anyone wanted one (ha) or scan it.

Oooh...EVEN BETTER! Now I've really got naive ambitious ideas. OTHER people could help with mine! This would be brilliant...I could be a proper editor...with other people to boss around, instead of just myself.

Ok, Serious Time then.

If ANYONE (and I'm particularly looking at any budding freelancers out there, you know who you are...) has any ideas, articles, stories, pictures, contributions...anything at all really...that they would like to submit for the first issue of Bonza, then send them in, now.

Address: crystalgallagher@gmail.com

Now, I'm being quite serious. This will be a reasonably professional thing...it will definitely get DONE, for one thing. And I'll get it printed properly and everything. You'd mostly be doing it to help ME, but hey, that's got to be pretty satisfying in itself.

I'll post more details and updates later, but now I've got to get to work!

Spiceworld

2004-10-01T15:51:00.000+10:00

I found a bunch of Spice Girls books down at the op-shop today (some that I already had, but I bought them anyway) including issue 4 of the official mag which I DID NOT HAVE!

Yay! And PEOPLE - give your Spice Girl stuff to ME if you don't want it. I really don't know what goes through some peoples heads when they are getting rid of SG stuff. Insane.

Anyway, this magazine is very excellent. It's got loads of pictures and stuff I hadn't seen or read before.

And this quiz at the back...I'm not sure what it had to do with the Spice Girls, but I sure did like the options.

I know who it is! B! But not for long of course...I've got a movie roll all lined up for my estranged brother.

This Is Not For Discussion

2004-10-01T13:10:00.000+10:00

Care of this statement of intention I’ve been alerted to the existence of what is known as Extreme Novel Writing November. It seems, basically, that the idea is that you produce a 50 000 word novel between the 1st and 30th of November. It’s like a novel-writing marathon, and rather excellently 'Values enthusiasm and perseverance over talent and craft'.

Obviously, I'm totally doing it. I've still got a month and a bit to 'plan', but there's probably not going to be any going past STU - A Novel. It will be a sort of Barry Lyndon-esque chronicalling of Stu's rise and fall. Alternatively, maybe I could venture into sci-fi with a futuristic vision of a post-apocalyptic Erinsborough, as Lyn becomes the first to resort to cannibalism in chapter 5.

There's also the thriller option...I could really delve into the darker side of Life Mechanics, with Stu as the anti-hero struggling to get out of the organisition before his brain is replaced with a gear box. Murder, conspiracies, spark plugs. I'll call it 'A Spanner In The Works' or something. Oooh...'Engine Trouble'. Yes, that's better.

I urge EVERYONE to join in with the novel writing fun.

Just some quick stuff about the Definitely Maybe dvd

2004-10-01T09:09:00.000+10:00

I wrote about this before I watched disc two. The second disc has by far the best stuff on it.

First of all there's footage of a terrible gig (with Ringo in attendance! Yay!) and Liam changing the lyrics to Live Forever. But what I liked the best was Noel's quote about it:

'He changed the lyrics to be quite derogatory to Americans...and maybe to me.'

I didn't understand it, and I didn't need to.

THEN - Best. Bit.

They go back to the room that the Definitely Maybe cover was shot in, and recreate it! Complete with Liam lying on the floor and Burt buckaroos poster in place. Awesome as.

'I live my life in the citaayyyyyy'

2004-09-30T19:04:00.000+10:00

I got the Definitely Maybe dvd today, on the same day Cameron Adams reviewed it and said it was awesome. (The two things are totally unrelated, of course. Ahem).

CA's Review:

'A clever way to celebrate the 10th anniversary of an album rightfully described herein as one of the greatest debuts ever. Definitely Maybe allows you to listen to every album track (from Supersonic to the novelty of Digsy's Dinner) in every possible way: with visuals, with the promo videos, or live. Then, in the doco, hear the ever entertaining Noel, Liam and the boys discuss the stories (or lack thereof) behind each song and the making of the album.'

4 Stars

Yeah, ha. 'Lack thereof' is definitely correct. It becomes abundantly clear watching the 'making-of' that there was no story behind any of it. It is awesome though all the stuff you get...very thorough.

Also, Sanity charged me the 'regular edition' price for the 'deluxe version' of it, so I'm not complaining.

More Chik Magazine Excellence

2004-09-30T13:10:00.000+10:00

When I put it up on the shelf, I realised that the tagline on the spine was 'Better than Shannon Noll's new single'.

So...random. And self-deprecating, eg, it would NOT be hard to better Nolls, S new single.

I am in love with that magazine.

I've also been reading a brand new teen mag called 'S-Girl'. It's only on it's second edition and it's not up to Chik's god-like standard, but it's still pretty good. They have an 'On Tour With Blair McDonough' bit. I would have called it 'On The Road With Stu', but, you know. It's still pretty tops.

I really love magazines you know. I think it's a pity that the Internet is making them sort of irrelevant because they are so fun and pretty and full of (pretty useless) information. I AM going to start my own. Like, tomorrow.

And, speaking of...

It's out today! Haven't read it yet, but sure it will be bonza.

MY NEW CAMERON ADAMS

2004-09-29T18:27:00.000+10:00

I bought the magazine Chik today. I know I'm a bit old for such teenage 'fare', but I was just buying a bunch of mags and that was one of them.

Anyway, it was all innocent enough at first...I was just casually flicking through, reading the odd bit. And then...well, first of all, I got to the letters page.

'Could you please do an article on Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen and include a mad poster of them?'
- Poppie White, NSW

'No'
- Editor

Ha. So I thought...hang on, this is a bit odd for a girls mag. Then I read all the letters page, and all the responses were along the same lines. Sarcastic, straight up. SUCH a change from the usual patronising tone these things take.

Then I started reading everything properly. After the phrases 'tops', 'rad', 'whatever dude', 'cool as shit', 'word' and 'check out the Sex Pistols' cropped up again and again, I started to really think this magazine was quite excellent.

And then I got to the section, Tips for maximising your personal website. And tip number one was...

'A website should be a snapshot into your life, so always ask the question: "Are there enough pictures of dragons?" '

I really couldn't even function for 10 minutes afterwards. I was just not expecting such awesomeness from what appeared on face value to be a run-of-the-mill teen mag. The hilarity just overwhelmed me.

I realised the editor must be a genius/my soulmate. After I went back to the front to find out her name, and then read her editorial, I was sure of it. Luisa Browett, you are my new all time hero and incarnation of Christ. I'm sorry Cameron...you were never this hilarious.

I read the whole magazine cover to cover, and it was just full of all these brilliant little bits. You just don't get this kind of stuff in Dolly and Girlfriend. I really hope Chik doesn't have to compromise and be more like them, because it is so superior. Girlfriend doesn't give you a four step guide on How To Twirl A Pen. (3. '...the trick here is speed and confidence.')

So. Excellent. I will write for this magazine if it's the last thing I do.

The G Crew

2004-09-28T17:06:00.000+10:00

I've been listening to The Masterplan (album) and I've realised I really need to change my name back.

You know, for all the fads that seem to come and go, my love for Oasis WILL LIVE forever.