Sky's Magical Mystery Tour
Saturday, October 23, 2004
My heart's in overdrive, and you're behind the steering wheel
Life Mechanics: The Book chapter titles
BEST SONG EVER
Gwen Stefani - What You Waiting For
This song seriously rocks my world. And the film clip...it is BEST FILM CLIP EVER.
This line though...
'Look at your watch now,
You're still a super hot female'
Plese tell me there's a proper version that goes:
'Look at your watch now,
You're still a super hot bitch'
Because that would actually rhyme, make more sense, and be 100% less lame. The first one doesn't seem to fit, so I am just hoping Rage censored it.
Otherwise, song of the year. (Cameron says so too!!!)
Edit: Apparently there IS no Crystal's Improved Lyrics remix. Popstars should REALLY submit their lyrics to me before they are recorded, so I can make them better.
Oh fuck...I sound like Ricki-Lee. We really have become one.
Friday, October 22, 2004
Me, Cameron & The Sugababes - A Tale Of Courage & Heartbreak
Listening to the Sugababes debut album this afternoon, I was reminded of a very tumultuous time in mine and Cameron Adams' relationship.
It was the Spring of 2000, and two simultaneous events were happening.
1. There was this new song out that I hated. Absolutely hated with a passion. I would often catch it on Video Hits or hear it on the radio, but for some reason I had never heard the title or name of the act. All I knew was that I hated it for many reasons...the crappy film clip, the ugly band members, that stupid line about trains...'train moves I don't know it's destination...'. For some reason I thought the song was probably called 'Destination' or something.
2. There was this new song out that Cameron Adams kept going on about in HiT. During the weeks leading up to it's release, he would mention it, and called it 'Late contender for song of the year'. When he did the review for it he gave it The Full Five Dogs - very rare for a single - and said it was a pop masterpiece. Every time he said something like this, I would think, I have GOT to hear this song - it must be excellent! I wonder why I've never heard it... It was called 'Overdrive' by some group called the Sugababes.
Imagine my horror when I discovered that they were THE SAME SONG. I was watching the video on TV, and finally caught what the name of the song was, and who it was by. I was in serious shock.
I could not believe that Cameron had got it SO. WRONG. His Best Song Ever, was That Stupid Song I Hate.
To this day, I STILL think he was wrong. It's the only time he's ever really loved a song that I have hated. It really caused me to re-think my religion. I really questioned everything that day.
And yet...the day the album was released, despite the fact that Overdrive was the only song I'd heard, and obviously hated, I bought the album. Because I NEEDED to believe that Cameron could not lead me so far astray.
And - I loved it.
It had a happy ending afterall! And I knew I could continue trusting Cameron Adams forever!
It's a steady job, But he wants to be a paperback writer...
As you can see from the link in the corner, I have finally got my writing blog 'under way'. It's situated here: Paperback Writer.
It's mostly going to be about the following:
Basically, it's all about books and writing, and will be HIGHLY dorky. But still quite fun.
Ricki-Lee - Retired
I've had to force Ricki-Lee into premature retirement I'm affraid.
I mean...I received today's improvement...I think you've really run out of ideas when your latest tip is 'today I'm going to tell Dishpig how to wash dishes!' The moment's really over when it's come to that.
Don't bother signing petitions to try and get her back...it's quite a shock early exit, I know, but her time is really up.
Thursday, October 21, 2004
Cameron Adams EXPOSED
Puntastic titles aside, HiT was a hotbed of lies and deception this week.
Yes Cameron, I AM talking about your Robbie Williams review.
He gave it the full five dogs, said it was excellent, yeah yeah, blah blah, whatever. I'm not worried about that. Exactly.
What I AM worried about is the following:
I haven't seen such blatant rewriting of history since Ricki-Lee. And Cameron ALWAYS pulls this kind of shit. Maybe he thinks most people won't notice, but he obviously isn't counting on his biggest fan remembering every. single. word. that he has ever written - but I DO. And I am just here to keep him in check.
Personally, when I form an opinion about an artist, I stick with it. As Missy Higgins, Pete Murray and Delta Goodrem would personally attest to. So I expect the same from you Cameron.
Wednesday, October 20, 2004
Ricki-Lee's Guide To Improvement
Why stop when you're on top! My improvements are the craze that's taking over the world, whilst making it a better place to live. So far I've improved:
Today, I am taking on the whole literary world. I tell ya what, there are some real pieces of crap out there on the shelves. It's going to take me a while to get through all of them (I'm quite a slow reader), but just for starters...
Wuthering Heights: What the hell was going on here? I mean, moors...ghosts...? NO. How about shopping malls and party invites next time. And why did all the characters have the same name? That was confusing. Maybe if they'd all be called Beyonce, that would be better. I mean, it would still be confusing, but a lot more fun.
And really, memo to the characters - dead means dead. Dead also means that you're music is old and crap and that no one likes it.
Fun Fact! Did you know that two of the Beatles are dead? This is a thought that always brings a smile to my face when I am feeling down.
Moby Dick Oh my God, whales are so cool. I live on the Gold Coast, and I've been to Sea World quite a few times. That's a real sort of party invite place. I have a stuffed whale I got from there once that I keep on my bed. When you squeeze it it makes a sound!! Heehee. It's name is Jermaine, after Jermaine Jackson.
Didn't really like this book though. There were too many 'themes' in it, I think. Next time - just keep it quite simple, with one layer. For instance, when I go to the beach, I just sun tan for a couple of hours and go home. That would make a great book.
William Shakespeare, The Complete Works Of: Death, death, and more death in these, isn't there. This has just really reinforced my philosophy that Old Things = No Fun At All.
I tried to find the Chaka Khan version of King Lear in the library, but they only had the original, so I had to read that. God, so boring. And, really, I think jabbing out peoples eyeballs just in order to win a competition is a bit extreme. Not that I wouldn't have loved to do that to Chanel on several occasions, but that's not very modern. My tactics were more to screech loudly, flash my breasts quite often, and hump James Matheson on stage every week. And remember - 'Australian Idol was all about Ricki-Lee'. For about 3 days.
So, my point is Shakespeare - a lot more people would like you now if, instead of always ending your plays with murders or suicides, you had replaced them with perhaps a scene of everyone at a roller disco.
That's really all I have time for now. But I have a feeling that Charles Dickens is going to get a lesson or two in the up-coming future. And don't even get me STARTED on that Tolstoy guy...I'm just going to have to re-write War And Peace from scratch.
A Few Things
- Life Mechanics - The Book is coming soon. More on that later
Tuesday, October 19, 2004
Weird Stu-Related Quote Of The Day
Toadie, to Stu: 'The rest of the world might love you, but I don't'.
The rest of the world loves Stu?? Cool.
Ricki-Lee's Guide To Improvement
Hi, Ricki-Lee back again! My last improvement was such a huge success you know... I mean, people are actually visiting the Sistine Chapel now! And that's all thanks to me! So I'm just going to keep on improving things till everything is better!
For today's improvement, I thought I'd give Einstein a little lesson in physics.
Because, come on...look at this equation: E=mc2. What does that even mean? That's not relevant to the youth today! I wasn't even born when it was invented, so how am I supposed to know what the hell it means??
This is the equation I personally like to use in my day-to-day life:
Bi + R-Lv = PI
That's Beyonce Influence + Ricki-Lee Vibe = Party Invite
And that's the way to improve EVERYTHING. You give it a Beyonce influence, and a modern Ricki-Lee vibe, and hey presto - you've got yourself a party invite!
SEE, Einstein? That's how you do physics.
I have some questions about out new hero Dishpig. I missed some of his 'character arc' last night, so I'm not sure about something. Is he called Dishpig because he washes dishes, or does he wash dishes because he's called Dishpig? I suppose it's a bit like the chicken and the egg, isn't it. Hmm.
Also, I've thought about the WOMP comparison some more. They actually DO have a bit in common. I mean, they both:
As much as I hate The Cooks I hope it stays on air, just to give Dishpig a chance to really come into his own.
Monday, October 18, 2004
Far Out Man
I am SEVERELY freaked out. I just watched the new show, The Cooks, right, and I hated it.
Except for one character. His name is Dishpig.
(He's the one at the back)
Anyway...as I was watching, I thought...'This guy is the new WOMP!'
EXCEPT - I was 100% sure that this was for reasons only I would understand. After all...they aren't very similar. It's just this...vibe.
But, discussing it with Jess, here, she asks me 'Is he the new WOMP?' - out of nowhere!
HOW DID SHE KNOW?
That was so random and weird. That two different people would see the WOMP/Dishpig comparison.
Anyway...Dishpig is my new hero and life advisor. He'll probably get a gig here at some stage...instead of doubling the fun he'll be halving it, but anyway. I'm sure he has some great jokes to tell.
Dishpig Fever has hit!
Let's just say that SOMEBODY made a giant fuck-up. So we're back to the old faithful basic template. There is no back-up of the other one. I guess this means that Chris has his work cut out for him.
Ricki-Lee's Guide To Improvement
Hello, I'm Ricki-Lee! Welcome to my new segment, Ricki-Lee's Guide To Improvement - where I take so-called 'classic' things and improve them, with a fresh Ricki-Lee vibe!
Last week I was unfairly voted out of Australian Idol after singing a wonderful improved version of a Beatles song. A lot of people have said that maybe I was voted out because I murdered it, and annoyed a lot of Beatles fans with my total lack of respect and offensive attitude. But as I have quite clearly stated several times during interviews this week the reason I was voted out was because I was SO good - everyone thought I was safe! And thus didn't vote!
So the point is - everyone loves my improvements! Which is why I've been thinking... why stop at the Beatles?? There are so many other things I could improve!
For my first improvement, I thought I would give Michelangelo a little lesson in art. I paid a visit to the Sistine Chapel recently, and it's quite clear what I thought of it:
I mean, look at it - It's old! And I hate old things! It really needed me to give it a modern update, to make it more Ricki-Lee, so that people will like it more.
So I got straight to work! After some modern Ricki-Lee touch-ups, it looks something like this:
See? Improvement! Now it's something you can really enjoy. Boy, if only there was an Art Idol! I'd probably be even more successful than I was on Oz Idol!
Coming up soon, on Ricki-Lee's Guide To Improvement:
See you all next time!
Sunday, October 17, 2004
It's chapter 5, and David Dixon hasn't even joined the band yet
I wasn't kidding about listening to an Indecent Obsession cassette today. It was this one, that I bought about...4 months ago:
Anyway, I'd never actually played it before, but as it's a special day I did. And it is fucking horrific. And you know I usually LOVE crap. This is probably the worst album I've ever heard. Is it 15 years too late to start the Indecent Obsession Suck Club?
I really thought an act that provided the greatest great joke ever, would have made some better music.
I'm just getting Chris in to do some repair work...
So if things are a bit messy during the next day or two, you know what's going on.
I just gave him a ring this arvo when I realised that we really need a fresh coat of paint.
Chris: Chris's Liz-o-Vations! How may I help you!
Crystal: Hi Chris...guess what. It's just like the poster says...my blog literally IS all Yellow.
Chris: Damn, that is no good! I'll be round tomorrow morning to fix it up!
Crystal: Cool. I'm thinking...something in neon green.
Chris: ...no. I actually refuse to do that.
Crystal: Alright. Purple would be quite good then.
Chris: No probs! Keep trade fair!
Crystal: See ya later!
And, speaking of 'Increasing the great jokes'...
The original gangsters are back!! This is great news for the rest of the world, and for them...but possibly bad for me. Already this afternoon I've listened to an entire Indecent Obsession cassette.
It's only a matter of time before I'm mistaking Forrest Gump for Anthony Koutoufides and wondering what would happen if Hector The Booty Inspector had to find a real job...
I hope the great jokes are, as Gary Barlow would say, back for good.
What Mel C and Lulu Have In Common
No, it's not just great music. It's the fact that they've both had the honour of having a website made about them, by me. We ALL know about Lulu Luvvers Unite of course, the website that really tells you everything you ever need to know about Lulu.
But - what about the very FIRST website I ever made? Well, it was a little site known as Mel C Sucks.
I never really added any content, but as many people have pointed out, the words 'Poo Head' really said it all. Adding anything else might have just confused the message.
(BTW, it doesn't really seem to work in Firefox. You need to use Internet Explorer for the full 'animation experience')
Things Are Actually The Same Again
I guess Extreme Beatles/Spice Girls/Oasis Appreciation Mania Week is over, because...well, it's been a week. I didn't really want to end it, but that's the way 'weeks' operate.
Anyway, it's the Mel C Hating Celebration Festival. I know the picture up the top is a bit 'large' but I like it so it has to stay. Won't be there for too long anyway.
Now...as for my Top Ten All Times Legends List. I made the list...but, I dunno. It just doesn't seem right when I read it back. I think Serious Time might just be Never Time.
Number 1 and 2 are correct and will never change (God, and...the other God). But the rest...I can't get it quite right. And I want Stu in the list, if it's ever official. So I don't know if it will actually happen now.
But that's OK, because there's Mel C Mania galore going on!