Sky's Magical Mystery Tour
Friday, October 15, 2004
Extreme Chik Appreciation Mania
There's a new Chik mag in town! (at the newsagents).

And it is brilliant, once again. I won't give you the BEST bits, because you have to buy it yourself, but here are some samples from this month's issue:

(I KNOW...Fergie on the cover again. That's two days in a row.)

You know, that's a bit like something from my own mag, in a special feature I might do:
(Don't actually use the word bonza, it's not very cool)

I do love Chik's completely irrelevant 'How To' guides though. And I'll be referring to any entertainment appliances that I own as 'Hi-Fi systems' from now on, even (well, especially) my pocket AM radio.

I think 'People lacking irony need not apply' could really refer to the whole magazine. I've also cut off the tip there, 'If you see someone wearing the same dress, spit on her', which I liked.

And they did a pros and cons as to why you should like Mark Holden! How absolutely awesome. I think this tip sums up exactly why I love him:

I DO have that ability. Unfortunately though, there were way more 'negatives' than 'positives'. But there was Marcia Bashing, so that made up for it.

Then at the end...there's a quiz - Are You As Funny As You Think You Are?

And this is the answer I got:

The thing is, I'm sure they mean it to be negative about DB, but it sort of reads like they're saying "You aren't funny enough, so go watch David Brent to get some tips on how to improve your comedy". And anyway...watching The Office and getting humour tips from David Brent is part of my daily ritual anyway, so thanks for that 'advice', Chik.

There are also the following EXCELLENT, EXCELLENT articles:

  • 'Op-shop Like A Pro'
  • 'Don't Go Psycho'
  • 'Politics - Why You Need To Give A Shit'
  • 'It's Not All Bad'
  • 'Going For Gold'

    PLUS - A Neighbours special
    PLUS - A poster of Misdemeanor Higgins
    PLUS - Some 'Guess Who' appreciation!!!! (The board game)

    I think I might just have a new Bible.
    With Ricki-Lee it's only been 5 DAYS...

    Last night I dreamt that I threw a party to celebrate 8 Years Of Hating Mel C.


    It was just kind of weird, because I had never consciously realised it was that long. When I woke up I counted the years and realised that it was's been exactly 8 years since the hating first started. I guess my brain really wanted me to acknowledge the occasion. I'm not sure I'd throw a party though.

    Perhaps SOME kind of festivities are in order though. I really want to sort this issue out before I dream of Mel C again. Because they're not so much dreams as they are HORRIBLE NIGHTMARES.

    (PS - that was the most attractive picture I could find)
    Thursday, October 14, 2004
    Right, the hating just continues...

    Ricki-Lee on why she stuffed around with the Beatles arrangements so much:

    'I wanted to make it more Ricki-Lee'

    Yep, that's just...that's just great. Because, you know. That's what's really wrong with a lot of the Beatles' songs. They just aren't 'Ricki-Lee' enough. I'm glad she's here now though to improve them for all of us. I'm sure that's what Paul McCartney would have been thinking if he was watching the show...'If only I'd given the songs more of a Ricki-Lee vibe at the time...we would have been so much more successful'.

    Fuck I hate her. It's MEL C level of hate. I actually like Melanie in comparison. And if you know me, you know that is serious.
    Play Time Is Over

    Since I've started my Hall Of Fame thing, I've been asked by literally zero people, 'Crystal, who would you ACTUALLY put in a Hall Of Fame if it wasn't a complete joke?' So it's lucky I asked myself that. Because it's a question that deserves an answer.

    I mean, I couldn't even put Stu in it, in good conscience. Because my relationship with Stu is built on a foundation of sarcasm. Sometimes, I think I actually do like him...but then I realise that I'm on the road of mind confusion. So I take a turn off at reality street and park my car at the fact junction.

    Anyway...yeah, what was the point? I think I swerved down a wrong turn there. Oh fuck, I can't stop doing it.


    Starting tomorrow(!) I will be counting down the Top 10 Biggest Legends Ever (The Non-Sarcastic Remix). I know, it might be a bit of a shock when there's no Bonza Dog or Summer Hoyland on the list...but I have to be strong. I have to be serious.

    I have the list already done, so tomorrow we start counting it down, starting at the tenth biggest legend ever. There WILL be no Stu. There MIGHT be a WOMP. No, see I'm kidding around already. There won't be any WOMP-ing. Just Serious Legends.

    See ya tomorrow Legend Lovers!
    Cameron Time
    I so rarely mention Cameron Adams these days, that you could be forgiven for thinking I'd become some sort of atheist. I still read the Bible though, and I still believe in Cameron. Of course, though, in my religion there are many Gods...but still, Cameron is the one supreme God.

    I guess it's time to show a little more devotion though, with an old fashioned HiT Review.

    Fergie on the cover?? I so do not approve. I'm also not approving of:
  • Lindsay Lohan in the 'Hot' section (I know I used to love her forever, but I hate her now)
  • Ricki-Lee's departure in the 'Not Hot' section. That is the Hottest news that has ever been.

    There's a great Delta review though:

    Delta Goodrem 'Out Of The Blue'
    This pocket-sized epic is positively bursting with emotion and clearly high on love. The kitchen-sink production and layer upon layer of melody leave you almost breathless at the end. Welcome back: to No.1.
    4 Stars

    Our old mate Pete Murray got 3 stars as well. I've seen the single in stores, and it is all fancy and 'special edition'. It sort of makes me want to buy it.
    The Hall Of Fame....continuing, just.
    Hmmm. After yesterday's 'inducting mania', I started to get this really strong feeling of deja vu. And yeah...a quick look through the Pavilion archives revealed that I did the EXACT same thing last year. It's almost scary how much I've copied my own self.

    Case In Point:

    Today, I WAS going to induct the 'Live Forever' documentary, on the basis that it is 'The Best Music Documentary Ever'.

    This time last year, I inducted 'In Bed With Madonna' on the basis that it was...'The Best Music Documentary Ever'.

    I've frightened myself. I've become my own tribute act.


    Luckily for me, but probably unfortunate for everyone else at the time, we stopped doing it about 3 days into it. Therefore, it was certainly not very definitive. So, we can still press make a better, and complete, Hall Of Fame.


    I think it's pretty obvious who the third inductee is...

    That's correct - it's Mel B!

    Mel's Credentials:

  • Mel B had the honour of being my 'Favourite Spice Girl' for the months June through to October of 1998, briefly stealing the crown from Geri. I thought she was 'cool' and had 'a great style'.

  • For what this is worth, I think she's the best actor of all the Spice Girls in Spiceworld. Only because she doesn't even TRY to act.

  • What would the Spice Girls songs be without Mel B's rapping? The answer of course is - 100% BETTER. (But the point is, rapping in pop songs is good in theory. Even if it never worked, at least she tried)

  • 'I Want You Back', 'Tell Me' and 'Word Up' were all good singles

  • She collaborated with the original Misdemeamor Higgins, Missy Elliot.

    Also, she's a Spice Girl. That's qualification enough. Unless you're Mel C.
  • Wednesday, October 13, 2004
    The Dancing Blur Animation

    Yes, the second inductee into what is totally not the Hall Of Fame is the famous Dancing Blur Animation:

    Now, some people have argued that it's not so much 'dancing' as it is moving left to right. Well, I say that those people just don't know good dancing when they see it. I KNOW my way around Animation Shop alright? If I decide to make a dancing animation, then that is LITERALLY what is 'on the cards'.

    But ok, the most important thing (believe it or not) about the animation though, is not that it dances, but what it represents.

    It first appeared when the Love Pavilion originally 'closed' 'down'.

    When I took the rest of the content off, as a kind of consolation I put this up for people to enjoy instead.

    HOWEVER. When people started to act mean and ungrateful, I took it down as punishment, so that there would be NO MORE ENJOYMENT.

    It worked well, and everyone learned their lesson.

    And since that day, the phrase 'Animations have been taken down' has become synonymous with 'Trouble has QUITE CLEARLY ARRIVED'

    The significance of it containing Blur is not to be overlooked either. Blur have been the cause of every fight that has ever been. Whether you LOVE THEM FOREVER, HATE them forever, or just enjoy the odd jaunty vibe that they bring to the table, controversy (and dancing) follows them every step of the way.

    Well done Dancing Animation Of Fear - you are the second member of TNTHOF!

    Well, we really want to do our own Hall Of Fame honouring all the most important people and things in the world. Except, at the risk of infringing copyright we can't CALL it the 'Hall Of Fame'. I don't know exactly what to call it yet, but temporarily, it is TOTALLY NOT The Hall Of Fame, ok?

    Maybe it can be the Wall Of Fame (as in Wonder). I don't know. Anyway, one thing is for sure, it's NOT The Hall Of Fame. Wendy James will attest to this if she has too. It's an original idea that is not ripping off anyone else. At all.

    So...who (or what?) is the first "inductee"?

    It's actually a thing, to start off with. I will give you some clues as to what it is:

    1. It's one of the most influential albums of the past 10 years
    2. It's by a little band known as Oasis

    Yes, you've guessed right!

    It's Standing On The Shoulders Of Giants!

    Before you think I'm doing one of my sarcastic 'Mel-C-is-better-than-the-Beatles' routines, I am being serious. I love SOTSOG.

    The following songs are all as good as anything of Definitely Maybe (if NOT better):
  • Gas Panic!
  • Where Did It All Go Wrong?
  • Sunday Morning Call
  • Roll It Over

    I also like Little James. I mean, it's no Hey Jude, but...oh, actually, it is. Hey Jude is kind of crap. In that case, it IS a Hey Jude.

    Anyway, Standing On The Shoulders is a top album, and a worthy first inductee to our thing that is totally not a Hall Of Fame. Will it be the only Oasis album to make it? (The answer is most certainly NO). And what will be next? (If might be a safe bet to go with David Brent, Cameron Adams or Stuart Parker).
    Ricki-Lee Against The Beatles
    Up against the speaker, tryin' take on the music...

    So Ricki-Lee blames 'The Beatles' for her getting kicked out of Idol does she? I tell you what, I am getting tired of her damn attitude. She actually thinks she's better than them. In her own head, that is what she thinks.

    But, you know, we'll give her the fair comparison. So I guess it's time for another one of our-tried-and-true 'Against The Beatles' match-ups:

    The Fab Four Vs A Complete Spak Head
    - Who most rules the world of music?

    The Beatles: Hundreds
    Ricki-Lee: None

    The Beatles: 40 years of immeasurable influence upon music and pop culture
    Ricki-Lee: Was on Australian Idol for 6 weeks

    I think we'll just stop this farce right now. It's obvious why God (aka Noel) ejected her from Idol this week. He doesn't take this shit, and neither should anyone else.


    Next Up: A much more fair comparison...Ricki-Lee against Mel C. Oh damn...I think Mel C might genuinely win...
    Monday, October 11, 2004
    Maintaining The Rock!

    Deaf Bank are still excellent.

    Five things you need to know about Deaf Bank:

    1. Lead singer Chantell Hunter once had a love affair with Graham Coxon and thought Definitely Maybe was 'A great record'

    2. Their debut album 'Counterfeit World' was written as a response to American Shopping Mall culture infiltrating British society

    3. And then Damon Albarn totally ripped the idea off

    4. The video for their fifth single 'Headache' (which is a ballad, despite the title) was nominated for a Grammy in 1993. It was their only ever nomination, and they did not win

    5. Cameron Adams was a big fan of the group
    19 Days To GO!

    Till the novel writing kicks off. I've been giving lots of thought to my novel. Well, I've given it a thought. I don't have any clue what it will be about, except that it will be humour. Well, allegedly. I can't promise it will be actually BE humourous...I just mean that it's probably not going to be serious.

    I'm most likely going to start a new blog about it, while it's being written. And I have a GREAT, appropriate, Beatles title to name it after. It will be called Hey Jude. No, it will be called Paperback Writer of course. God I am a kidder. (This is just one example of my comedy.)

    Actually, I'm so pleased with that title that I am definitely going to do it. It will be good...I can put all the stuff about my (quote unquote) "writing" there, and the Mystery Tour can just have all the regular rubbish.

    I can't seem to stop Lizzing blogging today. 4 in one DAY. This is quite unheard of.
    Thank You Noel And Liam!!!

    Ricki-Lee IS gone. Fucking hell. I have powers.

    The Dogs Are Back!
    For...The Official 'Out Of The Blue' Review

    You know, unlike all those unofficial reviews that will be 'floating' around this week. This one is for real.

    First things first: I've ALWAYS liked Delta Goodrem. I've most certainly never proclaimed her to be pure evil, or a curse on the entire country or anything like that. If that's what you think, you've obviously got me mixed up with someone else.

    1. Out Of The Blue
    Single Of The Year so far. (If you don't count 'Somewhere Only We Know', 'Love Is Only A Feeling', 'Popular', and 'This Is The World We Live In'). Very similar to 'Lost Without You' which can only be an excellent thing. And co-written with Guy Chambers, I can certainly detect a bit of a jaunty Robbie Williams vibe here.

    2. Visualise

    Another Guy Chambers track, BUT - guess who it sounds exactly like? Yes, that's right - Keane! This could well be on it's way to being a Best Song Ever. It is a bit crap though. I mean, it's good, but it's definitely a b-side. Better not be on the album.

    3. Beautiful Madness's Latin-y. Or something. It's all jaunty, and NOT in the good way.


    On an unrelated note, I am praying to Noel for a shock Ricki-Lee boot tonight. I have decided she is completely rubbish.
    I'd Like To Be Under The Sea
    - A response to last night's Idol bashing of Octopus's Garden

    I didn't really appreciate James & Andrew's too-cool-for-school slandering of 'Octopus's Garden' last night. I genuinely like that song, and here are five good reasons why:

    1. It was written and performed by Ringo
    2. It is great and cheerful and happy: 'We will sing, and dance around!'
    3. They sing it on Play School
    4. I have an mp3 of Noel singing it mixed together with 'Whatever' and it is great
    5. It's got a great political ideology:
  • 'Oh what joy, for every girl and boy, knowing they're happy and they're safe.'
  • 'We would be so happy you and me, no one to tell us what to do'.
    It leaves Imagine in the dust.

    And, despite it's ridiculous lyrics and theme, it's actually a really good song. So stop the bashing now.
  • Sunday, October 10, 2004
    It's Time For Another Meeting Of....!
    Yes! It's back! The most popular fanclub ever - with a membership of one! - The Danny Fanclub!

    Except - It's *New And Improved*!

    But HOW?

    Well, I borrowed out the Steven King Shining mini-series to compare and 'contrast'. And...this is a true's on three discs, and goes for about 6 hours, and it took me till 2 hours into it to realise I was watching it in the wrong order. Yes, I'm that dumb.

    Anyway. When I had finally seen it all, wrong order or not - one thing was clear. It doesn't matter WHO plays Danny, they are always bonza.

    Danny II isn't quite as bonza as Original Super Danny, but he's still cool. Therefore - the Fanclub takes on a whole new dimension! Meetings are back on!
    Chanel For Prime Minister - The Idol Beatles Show "Review"

    Chanel - 'Across The Universe'. Oh. My. God. That was out of this world. BEST IDOL PERFORMANCE EVER. I want to buy her version as a single.

    Anthony - 'I Saw Her Standing There'. Fuck Anthony and his anti-Beatles 'statements'. I hate him from this point forward. Oh yeah, and crap performance too.

    Casey - 'Eleanor Rigby'. SHE FORGOT THE WORDS! 'Eleanor Rigby...dum dum dum...erm...dum, da da...mmmmmm....' Oh. Dear. And what the hell was with all the electric guitar?? I thought this was going to be great for Casey, but it was terrible. She should be voted out.

    Marty - 'Oh Darling'. Yeah, it was alright.

    Hayley - 'Yesterday'. SHE FORGOT THE WORDS TOO! What the hell is going on? She also sung it way too was OK though.

    Courtney - 'Got To Get You Into My Life'. 'I'd like to think that if Paul was watching the show tonight he'd think I did it justice'. You and Paul deserve each other, Courtney.

    Ricki-Lee - 'We Can Work It Out'. The fact that she stated beforehand...'This is a Beatles song...but some GREAT people have covered it'...yeah, I'm going to be hating her forever as well. (I think she also forgot some words)

    To sum up,
    Chanel: Brilliant
    Everyone Else: Ranging from completely average to astonishingly awful

    Next week - Oasis Week! No, only in my head I'm afraid. It's probably Big fucking Band or something.
    Some might say, we will find a brighter day...

    Top 5 Oasis Songs I've Been Playing Today That Really Sum Up The Mood After The Election:

    1. Some Might Say
    2. Don't Look Back In Anger
    3. Where Did It All Go Wrong?
    4. Stop Crying Your Heart Out
    5. Cast No Shadow.


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